Managing Stress as a Non-Custodial Parent

Laugh at least once a day. Love someone. Keep in touch with your parents, brothers, and sisters as long as they are alive and never give up trying to reconnect with your own children.

Seriously, these things work. I’ve been practicing this technique for over eight years now; the past two years without any contact with my kids.

Don’t forget to keep up your health. I expect to be finishing the Honolulu Century Ride this coming Sunday.

And keep yourself busy with projects. That’s why I haven’t been writing too much lately. I’ve got a big project that I’m trying to finish up. A hundred page photo book from my most recent vacation with my girlfriend, the best travelling partner in the world. A great trip needs great memories.

That doesn’t mean there’s been nothing in the News. I’m still checking headlines. Still seeing crazy women, vindictive exes, insane courts, bankrupting child support agencies, trash politics and a lot of other things that put down men and especially non-custodial fathers.

I’ll be back soon to keep writing…  Stay posted.

Oh, and visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Outrage, Frustration, and Despair

This week’s news has been focused on the political campaigns, the melting markets, and the after-effects of walloping hurricanes. Mixed in are threads of men’s issues.

Sarah Palin comes up constantly as her active participation in Parental Alienation against her sister’s ex-husband symbolizes government control of family life. I’m secretly hoping she get’s elected so the issue can come to the front of America’s consciousness. We would all suffer greatly under her style of leadership. But all her vindictive, petty, feminist isssues will finally be revealed to be anti-family, anti-American, and all too common.

In the unbelievable category, Mary Winkler, a woman who shot her husband in the back and watched for hours as he bled to death, is getting full custody of her children. It’s been two years since the murder. She served 5 months in prison. She claims she’s reconciled with her dead husband’s parents. I can hear the lesson her children have learned. “Momma, you killed Daddy and got away with it. Can I do that too?”

And the Hawaii Supreme Courts overturned an abuse conviction on Alfred J. Roman who actually kicked and slapped his then 14 year-old stepson. They called it discipline. I sympathize, but I would not have done the same.

Yet, I have been convicted of abuse over false allegations of hitting for which no evidence was ever presented. And it has been over two years since I have seen my son who’s birthday is today. It’s been over three years since I have had regular visitation with my daughter.

I miss my kids.

Happy Birthday, Kalen.  I’ve got a package each for you and your sister in the mail.

I feel outrage, frustration, and despair. If my angry ex can keep our children from their father, with women like these on the loose, our country has a serious problem.

Visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/ to find out more and protect yourself from the vindictive woman’s rampage that will destroy your life.

Strange and Violent Women

Strange news is often occupied by men and boys making fools of themselves or highly unlikely coincidences, such as the teacher who ran his bicycle into a bear. (Ouch!) But, when you define strange to include people who become angry, manipulative, and abusive, the category–in my opinion–is dominated by women.

A Texas woman bit her boyfriend and smashed a glass picture frame across his face to encourage him to get the dishes done. A West German woman drove her car into a live pig transport intended for market. And a middle age woman pulls off a high-schooler impersonation to get on the cheerleading team “because she didn’t have a childhood and wanted to regain a part of her life that she’d missed.” Are these women canaries in the coal mine or loose nuts behind the wheel?

I don’t believe that women are illogical and impractical as the stories may tell. In general, most women that I meet have a perspective on the world that is rational and realistic. But, there are more than a few who are doing the “bad apple” thing and proving what most childless Father’s know. Women can be mean.

In the first story, a 20 year-old woman got into an argument with her live-in boyfriend over dishes, “Woman faces charge after dishwashing dispute” AP 9/16/08. The Fort Worth, Texas woman had lived with her boyfriend for 4 months. During the argument, she bit him, smashed a picture frame across his face, and swung a 2 foot sword at him trying to get him to leave the house.

The man suffered visible cuts across his face and possibly other types of injuries in the dispute. The woman posted $10,000 bail and was released from jail. One wonders if the man posted the bond for her. I hope the dishes were clean.

In our second story, Anannova reports, on 9/14/08 in “Animal lover’s pig gaffe,” that a woman was so upset about a truck full of pigs headed to a German slaughter house for processing that she rammed her car into a second truck.

The woman was described as a “Vegetarian Animal Lover.” It was reported that she suffered a “little more than a fright – but we don’t know anything about the state of the pigs’ health.” Let it be noted that this woman’s rose colored glasses are pig-pink.

Then, perhaps in the most bizarre story this week, the AP reports on 9/12/08, that a 33 year old Mom used her daughter’s identification card to become a high-school student, “Mom allegedly uses daughter’s ID to be cheerleader.” The woman lives in Wisconsin. The daughter in Nevada.

After bouncing a check of $134.50, school officials became increasingly convinced that the impostor was not the teen she feigned. After a short investigation, the school found out that the woman had “a history of identity theft crimes.”

Bond was set at $8,000. The maximum sentence is six years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Somehow, I’m sure she’ll find someone to pay for her indigence and for the protection of her children.

Reading about crazy women like these only comforts me to know that I am not alone. Find out more about these types of women and their motives on my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Even Dead Men are Fathers, Husbands, and Friends

While reading most newspapers, you always see the column of shorts, court briefs, or police blotters where they mention the man who died, or the store owner who put his life at risk to stop a thief. What you don’t often read is that these men are also fathers, husbands, and friends. They leave behind families when they die and there are families who love them in their accomplishments.

Looking at the Honolulu Star Bulletin on Sunday, 9/14/08, I always dig down to the daily NewsWatch column, Fire Police Courts. Here you find the stories where the paper does not allow comments.

Was this Man a Father?

A 50 year-old-man dies after falling into a blowhole on the Big Island of Hawaii. A blowhole is an opening in the craggy rock or coral surrounding the island. The water comes through an opening in the bottom with such force during a wave, that it blows right out of the top; sometimes, very high into the air. It’s a spectacular sight.

So why was this man near this blowhole? The craggy rock is some of the best surface for a delicious little shelled sea creature called an Opihi. They stick to the rock with an amazing amount of suction. It takes a strong man to pry them off. It takes a wary eye to watch out for that next wave that may crush you against the rock or carry you out to sea. The job is dangerous. Even the most experienced may get caught by a rogue wave.

It takes a lot of experience to go near a blowhole. And, there are quite a number of islanders who know how to do this well to feed their families. Does the paper mention his family? No. Does the paper mention if he was a father, a husband, or some mother’s son? No. The paper only reports that he is a dead man who fell into a blowhole.

To the family of Len Nakano of Hilo, may your beloved rest in peace and may you find your way in the world without the man you loved.

Was this Man a Husband?

Following on the heels of this story, another Hawaiian fisherman was not so unlucky. Jered Melandez, 28 years–old, was fishing with friends when he slipped and fell off a cliff 25 feet above the water in Kauia. He landed on or very near rocks that could have killed him, sustained serious injuries, and was sucked out into the ocean.

Jered was lucky to have the Coast Guard pluck him out of the water about an hour and a half later at 5pm. He was no more than 20 yards offshore in rough water. Here’s my best to Jered and his family. You’ve got a strong man working a dangerous job and you can be proud of his accomplishments. I’m amazed the sea didn’t take him. May he live to give many years of happiness to the ones he loves.

Does this Man have a supportive Family?

The Star Bulletin is a great place to hide news. In a third story on the same day, a Department store manager in Millilani stopped a woman outside his store with over $670 worth of items that she had not paid for. She was tucking them in her bag while pushing around a shopping cart.

A shoplifter thinks they have a right to this merchandise and they will get angry, even violent if someone confronts them. Yet, if no one challenges them, they will get away with stealing. This is a tough and dangerous job that falls to store managers. They don’t own the place. They get a paycheck. But they may also be held responsible if thieves get away.

Store managers don’t have guns or batons and they would not be able to use them if they had them. They can’t attack unless they are being attacked and they better have witnesses to prove who laid the first blow. They can’t apprehend and retain a person suspected of shoplifting without also providing food, water, phone and many other comforts. And, a woman–even a woman thief–can claim sexual harassment when she’s being stopped from her thievery.

She was arrested, and probably released, on suspicion of robbery. It’s likely she’ll have a vendetta against this man, too. A dangerous, treacherous job if ever there was one. Yet, for all that heroism, he doesn’t get his name in the paper. Perhaps, that’s company policy and perhaps that’s for the best.

To him, hats off. I hope your company, your wife, kids, and family, and all your friends give you the very best of their love every day of your life.

Was this Man protecting his own?

Then there are the strange stories about situations none of us ever want to be in. Take the 9/14/08 story from the Associated Press “Dad chases nude boy from daughter’s room with pipe” quoted from the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Here’s the story line. Your teenage daughter has been inviting her boyfriend into her room for over a year without your knowledge. You don’t even know she has a boyfriend. But, you hear strange noises coming from her room, open the door and the boy is standing on her bed buck naked. You just happen to have a metal pipe laying nearby and you make your move to protect your daughter and your family. You land a solid blow onto this intruder’s head and run him out the front door.

The police come and haul you away on a $10,000 bond for “aggravated battery on a child.” The paper calls you an “angry Daytona man.”

In sum:

Men live in dangerous times. It’s just as dangerous working our jobs, finding food for our families and protecting our wares from people who would take without payment in kind. It’s pretty clear that a man can’t protect his home or his children.

But more clear than anything else, the men who die, who are injured, and who put their safety on the line are recognized as numbers and names, but never as family men.

Find out more about men’s inferior place in society. Find out the cost to our family, friends, and community. And find out who are the people putting us at the bottom, making us indentured servants and scapegoats. Visit my web site at www.mywiferandoffwithourkids.com. Prepare to protect yourself.

Proud Women Scorned

I have no problem with smart, ambitious women. My girlfriend is one.

I have a problem with smart, ambitious women who want power, like my ex. A proud woman scorned is a dangerous beast. Not that my ex is the worst offender.

Rocketing to the top of the news is Sarah Palin, the Republican’s choice of Vice Presidential Candidate.

On Friday, 9/12/08, stories of her dispensing with political detractors and people who just “got in the way” began popping up all over the internet.

Take the Honolulu Advertiser’s story, “Alaska lawmakers vote to subpoena Todd Palin.” It appears that the Alaskan Governor’s husband is a key witness and, possibly a co-conspirator, in trying to get her sister’s ex-husband, Mike Wooten, fired as a State Trooper after a “messy divorce.”

I don’t wonder. I’m making an educated guess that there’s kids involved.

Palin is under an ethics investigation for firing Walt Monegan, the state’s public safety director, because he would not fire Wooten.

Palin’s husband, Todd, “has emerged in the days since as also a powerful figure in his wife’s administration.” We already knew this lady had issues with God, abortion, Big Oil, and Democrats. It seems she’s been letting her husband call the shots within Palin’s Governor administration.

Administration officials were caught on tape discussing Wooten’s personal issues “raising questions of how he knew those details.”

Something tells me this woman would not be good for non-custodial parents. Fathers, in particular, should be wary.

On Sunday, 9/14/08, the New York Times collated and confirmed information about Palin’s rise to power, “Once Elected, Palin Hired Friends and Lashed Foes.” While she took on and dismantled the “Good Ole Boys Club,” she put her own “Good Ole Palin Supporters Club” in its place.

Smear campaigns, interference in non-partisan government offices, book-banning, secret e-mail accounts intended to avoid Freedom of Information and Government Sunshine Laws; these are a few of the things the Palin administrations have wrought. The tactics are much the same as many of the women who refuse to allow ex husband’s the right to visitation with their children.

Trying to be fair, the Times reports that Palin has her supporters. But, they can’t seem to get past the niggling habit of these supporters to paint Palin in gold leaf and call her questioners, “haters.”

Giving the enemy a name makes it easier to hate your enemy. Wars are usually started this way. But, in our world, Judges are often swayed by the names they call us; domestic violence perpetrators, child abusers, men with anger issues, narcissists who blame others. None of it has to be true, you just have to repeat the lies often enough and fathers lose their children.

Families are broken to feed the machine that keeps getting stronger with every restraining order, every father thrown in jail, and every man falling in arrears on child support.

I’m not comforted that a Vice Presidential Candidate is caught with her hands in the pudding.

Then again, I don’t like Obama’s unrequited support of the female movement that has broken families and wrought havoc into our lives. See my columns “Obama Bashes Fathers, Supports Draconian Laws” of 6/15/08 and “Obama Bashes, My thoughts…” from 6/18/08.

This election day, I will truly have to choose the lesser of two evils.

To find out more about women like Palin, my ex, and perhaps yours too, visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Fiesty or Violent? You Decide.

You’ve watched the news. Feisty women make headlines and some actually deserve praise. Some cross that line into uncontrolled violence. We all have our limits.

An alleged mugger who attempted to rob a national karate champ found his limits. A 13 year-old Honolulu victim catches up with her bully peer and puts her behind bars. A college student auctions her virginity and I’m skeeved.

The mugger story starts in Italy. Ananova reports, “Muggers picks on karate champ” on 9/11/08, that he “got more than he bargained for” robbing the four time Italian women’s champion Lara Liotta (29). The story tells a familiar tale. The man asks the woman for a cigarette. But, strangely, when Lara tells him she doesn’t smoke, he grabs her around the neck. Is this a common smoker response to cigarette refusal?

I don’t smoke. But I know a lot of people who do. And I’ve been asked by a lot of people, “Hey, buddy. Got a smoke?” I’ve never been pummeled. The Ananova take on this story is suspect.

“No one helped me or stopped” she says. Hmmm. If I saw a woman beating the liver out of a man, I’m sure I would not offer her assistance.

Our 13 year-old-Honolulu-hero does the right thing. Probably putting herself at much future peril. The Star Bulletin NewsWatch staff reports on 9/11/08 that a cadre of juvenile girls stopped their victim at a bus stop, in May this year, to demand that she turn over personal belongings. To further their case, the victim–it seems–was cajoled by threats of “physical force.”

The alleged perpetrator–also 13–was recently arrested and released on charges of “investigation of second-degree robbery.” Her friends have not been charged. If they are not grounded they are probably looking for this “victim” tonight.

Lastly, Los Angeles Reuters reports that a 22 year-old woman trying to make her way through college is auctioning off her virginity, “Student auctions virginity, sparks online debate,” 9/11/08. E-Bay has turned her down, but she’s found other sponsors to host her lurid attempt at turning her privates to profit.

I don’t disagree with her rationale. She finds it empowering and is using a pseudonym for “safety reasons.” Natalie is not under the impression that selling her virginity will solve all her problems but it could provide her with financial stability if the auction value gets high enough.

In addition, this woman-student is seeking her “master’s degree in marriage and family therapy.” An ethical field that includes my ex-wife, who abducted our children and has denied visitation for over two years. Natalie’s rationale makes sense if she suffers from borderline personality disorder.

Natalie has another secret she would care to share. Her sister sells it at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada (sponsor of her virginity). Just listen to the glowing accolades from her supporters, including Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. “I think it’s a tremendous idea. Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?”

Women like this end up going political and demanding more child support from men making minimum wage. They open their legs wider than the Grand Canyon and blame us for loosening our BVDs. All the while the prosecutors are saying, “There’s gold in a man’s pockets!”

Her mother disagrees with her. Her father is not heard from. But that may mean she’s a child of divorce getting back at the controlling, over reaching, mind-controlling, whacked out maternal presence that has refused access to her father.

Child abuse. It takes many forms. Abuse. It comes in many forms.

To find out more about how men become victims of the things that society expects of us visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Oahu Cops Release Women Offenders

What is it with the HPD? One woman rams her boyfriend with a car and gets released on “investigation of negligent injury” instead of attempted manslaughter. Another druggie, speeding in a stolen car, was released pending investigation.

The Honolulu Star Bulletin has chosen to hide these stories on its NewsWatch page of 9/10/08. “Woman arrested after boyfriend hurt” and “Driver of stolen car racks up violations.”

In the first instance, a 54 year-old woman and 55 year-old man are described as having had a domestic argument before the woman drove into the man with her sport utility vehicle.

Negligent Injury? I would say this was attempted homicide.

In the second case, the cops pulled over a speeder, found she was driving a stolen vehicle, she guns it, leads the cops on a high-speed chase, gets pulled over a second time, vehicle searched, drugs found. So this chick, 45 years-old, guilty as a turkey on Thanksgiving Day, is released pending further investigation.

What did they need to investigate? They found the drugs and witnessed her speeding in a stolen car after taking off while having been stopped for a speeding violation. She didn’t even have a license, but gave the cop a state ID card instead.

Are these two women out on our streets right now driving around? It’s bad enough my ex is out there driving while I ride a bicycle. Now we’ve got two more nutcase women on the loose because the HPD could not keep them behind bars.

Why are women such nutcases in the first place? Find out more on my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Custodial Parents Get Twice the Economic Stimulus

In a double failure of policy initiatives from the Federal government, checks that were intended for poor, non-custodial parents are being diverted to the child’s custodial parent, giving them an extra economic stimulus payment.

No one is against supporting children, but the current child support regime demands far more than most fathers can give. Father’s–the majority of non-custodial parents–often work in the most dangerous occupations. Yet these occupations often pay minimum wage, don’t provide medical coverage, and present a high risk of injury on the job.

If it rains or if you step on a nail, you’re out of work. But the Child Collection Agencies don’t care. They just keep on taking till you’re in jail. They call us deadbeats even when our child support is paid in full.

So, articles like the Honolulu Star Bulletin story “Isle child agencies get $5M in seized checks” 9/10/08, ring hollow. The agency states that it collected $122 million in child support payments this year. What they don’t tell you is that well over 80% of this money is coming from LiveBeat Dads who are not in arrears on their child support.

Most Dads want to support their kids. They want to see them healthy and having the food and clothes they need. For each real “deadbeat” Dad, making oodles of money and never turning over a dime to the custodial parent, there are eighty others making good on their obligations and another 19 that want to but who are too poor to fight the system that guarantees them a life-time of poverty.

Child support itself is a policy failure based on a flawed principle. Yes, children need support, but when a woman chooses to end a marriage–the majority of divorces are initiated by women–a man has no rights to refuse to end the marriage. Thus, he becomes indentured to the tyranny of child support while the woman profits for a generation.

The lawyers, judges, psychiatrists, and other lackeys all know this is their cash cow. Break a family and reap the rewards for years to come. Such anti-family laws need to be changed to stop making men victims of divorce.

Read more about this on my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Is Shopaholism Domestic Violence?

Kathy Stolkin of California sought relief from the IRS for a tax debt from her husband’s shopaholic binges and financial irresponsibility. She filed under the “Innocent Spouse” provisions of the Internal Revenue Code. Having failed the safe harbor provisions, Ms. Stolkin pleaded to have the Tax Court apply the seven point “Balancing Test” which includes whether the petitioner was abused by the non-requesting spouse.

While it was likely a reason that she married him, Ms. Stolkin argued that her ex-husband’s financial irresponsibility constituted a form of emotional abuse. The Tax Court retorted that “nonphysical abuse will weigh in favor of relief only where it is severe enough to incapacitate a requesting spouse in the same manner he or she would be incapacitated by physical abuse.”

The Stolkins were married from 1981 to 1995. They lived a lavish lifestyle during marriage and Ms. Stolkin walked away from the bankruptcy and marriage with a $4,500 per month alimony payment, a $500,000 condo, a BMW, and a job that paid about $1,000 per month. She certainly won’t have any trouble getting her dry-cleaning done.

In spite of his generosity, no one could call Mr. Stolkin a saint. He spent beyond his income, took a premature $220,000 pension distribution, left a $54,000 marital tax debt, and hasn’t filed his taxes in 12 years. He signed divorce papers that stated he would take care of the tax debt, but he hasn’t been heard from in years. If he’s smart, he has likely expatriated by now.

What I find unique and hopeful in this case is the Tax Court’s position on emotional abuse. This is a hallmark standard of what should be applied in family court cases across the country. Non-physical abuse is the engine of fear within a woman’s mind. Its consequences can be very destructive.

If the Tax Court perspective were a Family Court standard, thousands–perhaps, tens of thousands–of husbands and domestic partners would not be deemed guilty of domestic violence for the thoughts in a woman’s mind. If this standard were used, the threshold for obtaining family-destroying restraining orders would be raised high enough to save families at risk of abuse from vengeful spouses.

I wish the best for Ms. Stolkin and I’m sure, with oil at over $100 per barrel, that Mr. Stolkin will have an untarnished silver spoon for some time.

If you would like to find out more about this case or about spouses who are willing to destroy a family based upon the fears in their minds, visit my web page at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

When We Fight, the kids lose

Divorce orders can clearly dictate the terms of separation and divorce but they can’t enforce the provisions or make parents cooperate. Such was the case with Fred and Alice Hoffman of New York State. From the Tax Court filings, Fred and Alice had an amicable divorce in which she allowed him to take the kids to school on a regular basis.

The divorce order stated that he got the three older children as dependents on his tax return; she got the two younger children. I assume that child-support was not an issue. The court order does not appear to make mention of it and it was never raised by the IRS.

All five children lived with Alice so she was, in the eyes of the IRS, the custodial parent eligible to take the children as dependents. She would have been required to sign a Form 8832 to release the dependency exemptions to her husband. Alice refused and took the kids as dependents on her tax return.

Fred figured the divorce decree says so, so he must be able to file the dependency exemptions, too. Plus, he’s probably taking care of the kids enough that he figures he deserves a Head of Household status as well. Ouch, was Fred in for a surprise when the IRS handed him a bill for $5,670, before penalties and interest, on his 2004 tax return.

When Fred took this issue to the Tax Court, it was the ultimate smack-down. State court orders don’t mean anything until that Federal IRS Form 8332 is signed. Fred needs to take Alice back to divorce court in New York and make the case that this was a belligerent abuse of power and control to make her ex-husband suffer financially and emotionally. She should be responsible for all his court costs, the taxes, penalties and interest, and should be held in contempt of court.

Fred’s mistake was acting with a serious lack of information. Alice’s mistake is that she chose to exact financial revenge against Fred through non-cooperation. Ignorance or intent, they are both guilty. But, in my view, the person who acted with intent to harm is more guilty and should be held responsible.

As a non-custodial parent, I am single. Not Head of Household. The extra deduction is never going to justify the headache no matter how much extra time or money we spend or are willing to spend on our kids.

“When we fight, the kids lose,” needs to preface every transaction between separated and divorced parents.

To find out more about this case (9/3/08) or ask questions about yours, visit my web site or leave a comment. http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.