Jamila’s Fight; to what end?

There are cases of divorce and separation, in Hawaii, that do not make the “mainstream media,” the Honolulu Advertiser or Star Bulletin. But that wasn’t the case for Louis and Pam Jamila. The Honolulu Advertiser had published an article presenting Pam as the abused spouse for their domestic violence series “Crossing the Line.”

Don’t bother looking for the article, author Rob Perez, has pulled it from the internet.

While the children haven’t seen their mother in over two years, they are living contently with Louis, a caring and loving father who never gave up against the multiple false allegations of domestic violence and sexual abuse.

Louis knows that this is not the best possible outcomes. He wants the children to regain contact with their mother, but she’s off somewhere on Big Island -no phone -no address, just gone out of their lives. The kids talk and it’s the pain in their voices that gives Louis the hope that someday the mother will return.

On September 28, 2009, there were findings of fact and conclusions of law filed in Louis’ case that is now on appeal. Yes, Appeal. The mother, represented pro-bono by anti-family advocate, Lynne Jenkins McGivern, filed for an appeal in this case where men guilty of far lesser crimes of domestic violence have served jail time.

Louis is 51 years young. He has two natural daughters and one not-quite adopted daughter living in Kailua in pure Ohana style.

Years ago, Pam got weird. Was it alcohol, drugs, an obsessive connection to the internet? None of that matters now. What happened was Pam’s daughters went through hell while Louis worked two and three jobs to keep the family solvent.

A tired and exhausted, but sober and caring father, Louis would spend precious moments in the company of his daughters at his family home after a long day at work and fall asleep where-ever he was.

During their break-up, Pam took the opportunity to report these incidents to Child Protective Services. Two CPS investigations cleared Louis of any threat or intent to harm the children.

When this tactic did not work as planned, Pam filed for a Temporary Restraining Order. Remember, in the State of Hawaii there does not need to be any incident of domestic violence; the fear of the alleged domestic violence victim is enough to grant the TRO. Immediately, Louis was ejected from his home with court-ordered visitation between his children.

The Findings of Fact and Conclusions of Law (FOF/COL) filed in this case describe a “troubled, contentious relationship” between the mother and her three children. Alcohol, internet chat rooms, and hostile, unpredictable, and violent behavior became the norm. Verbal abuse and physical punishment were common.

Note that, in many families, when the state removes the father, the mother has unbridled power. Fathers do matter.

DJ, the oldest, was punched while sleeping. AJ’s cellphone use caused a Christmas rage from which the mother could not calm herself. Numerous 911 calls were made during Louis’ absence.

Inexplicably in October 2007, Pam left the family residence and her children for three weeks. The children dispute that the mother tried to contact them at any point during this unannounced sojourn.

After her return, AJ, the youngest, went to live with the grandparents and KJ became the focus of Pam’s emotional and physical violence. KJ was ejected from the family home on more than several occasions and was ordered to call her father to pick her up.

Louis–while his heart was breaking–knew the purpose of Pam’s actions. She was trying to get him to violate the terms of the TRO. She wanted her children’s father in jail.

During the course of the volatile actions, the Court’s Custody Investigation Unit awarded temporary and sole legal custody to Louis.

After this decision, Pam “abruptly moved out of the family residence in Kailua and moved to Hilo with her vehicle.” No one knew.

Still, to this day, no one knows where Pam lives, who she works for or what she does for a living. Her $100 per month child support payments are now delinquent from December 2008. A man would be at risk of losing his license to drive or engage in business. These penalties do not correlate to the crime and, though irrelevant, will mar a person for life.

The children have been hurt beyond their wildest imaginations by their mother. Even though it has been more than two years, they want no contact or visitation. Louis knows this is not healthy. These children need both their parents. He wonders what the future will bring. He will never accept his ex-wife back into his life, but he yearns for the children to know the wonderful woman he married in 1995.

Louis is now dealing with $100,000 in court costs and, occasionally, the mother who still claims the children for Head of Household purposes on her annual tax return. The court found that Louis needs to improve his parenting with regards to the children’s individual counseling and attendance at school.

Every father wants the best for his children. I’m convinced that Louis is doing his best.

If you know Pam and if you think she has improved, let her know, the kids do not want more abuse. They don’t want to live in fear of the woman she became. They want to know the Mom they had.

Time is critical. Life is short.

Contact me if you know Pam. Respond to this article. Visit www.LiveBeatDad.com. Or, email to penumbrook at yahoo.com.

The Sixth TRO, add 1

I appreciate your patience. I have prevailed against the latest TRO, my sixth, against me. This time, it did not come directly from my ex-spouse, the hater of men and manhood. Instead it came from one of her clients.

Yes. I agree. THat’s weird! Ya think? Not yet. I will write about this latest indignation and expose of hurt upon my children. But not yet. I have the story of another I would like to tell.

In the meantime, look for my latest book review, “Children Held Hostage,” on my web site. www.LiveBeatDad.com.

The Hero’s Journey

I wish I could pay tribute to all the children who have lost their mother, father or spiritual guide. Jen in the Dark Crystal, Luke in Star Wars, Harry Potter, Nemo, and Frodo (yes, he lost an uncle, but an important one).

Each of these children, younger than the age of “majority,” have to strike out on an adventure they never asked for. They have a challenge in front of them that they never wanted face. In the process, they grow and perform deeds of heroism beyond our imaginations, yet, exactly the way we would have done it if we were a child once again.

My favorite author, Joseph Campbell, talks about the Hero’s Journey. He accurately described the archetypes we know from the Star Wars series.

Does it seem so far fetched that our children are these heroes, too?

Every child has, within them, the ability to surpass the achievements of their parents in any or every category. A child may be the artist or musician we could never be. They may be the architect or engineer. They may be the medical professional who saves lives, one at a time, or by the hundreds of thousands.

I believe in my children. I want you to believe in yours.

Look in their eyes. Surprise them. Hug them. Play outside. Sing to them. Laugh with them. We never know when we are going to be the ones taken from their lives.

If you are a parent and have been removed from your child’s life without their permission, your child may be on the Hero’s journey. A hand-written letter, telling them about your day, may give them the strength they need to find themselves. Don’t wait another moment.

The Saddest Domestic Violence Stories

Hawaii’s saddest domestic violence stories occur all too frequently. For Randal K. Randrup, it is easy to see that the Honolulu Advertiser’s story, Big Island man sentenced to two years for killing son, started long before this 61-year-old father shot his 27-year-old son, Chris Randrup, to death in Puna, Big Island.

Randrup, as he prefers to be called, pleaded guilty to manslaughter in August this year, though he told the court that he was acting in self-defense because his son was beating him. Two years in prison, ten on probation.

As with any family, the story is complex.

Chris’ mother, and aunt and a close friend were permitted to address the court and drew Third Circuit Judge Glenn Hara’s rebuke, perhaps not only for previously unapproved pictures that were eventually admitted. But, perhaps from their unrelenting anger and complete absence of forgiveness, “This evil man killed my son, his own son, in such an obscene manner,” said the mother.

In most “father murders family stories,” the father is not rational, not sane, and something or someone has pushed him beyond an emotional threshold that no man should ever have to bear.

Francis Alcain, Randrup’s attorney pointed to the agony behind the anger and fear that led him to the tragic actions of taking his son’s life.

“On the surface, the relationship that Mr. Randrup had with his son, it appeared to be relatively calm. But little tell-tale signs were present. Mr. Randrup would go to work with an injury one day that he didn’t have before, or a cut, or a bruise, or pain and fear from a vicious kick over a dog. Little things. But the father-son relationship was marred by a pattern of abuse — violent, explosive abuse that continued to escalate in severity and concern.”

When the family does not get help, domestic violence does not go away. It just increases over time.

And Randrup took the time to make his own statement.

“Your honor, this is the worst thing that could ever have happened. I’m so sorry it occurred. I could go on and on, but believe me, I never in my wildest dreams would imagine this occurring. It’s so sad.”

It is easy to see, even from the written story, Randrup’s apology and contrition are sincere.

Yet, even from the bleachers, Chris’ mother could not help interrupting the court with disrespectful harrumphing and clapping. Here too, it is easy to see who were Chris’ enablers and silent partners in the abuse that was occurring within this family against this father.

Judge Hara tried his best to be as compassionate as he could. Before Randrup’s confession, the state had barely any evidence to go on.

“If your trial had proceeded without the confessions, there was a likelihood that without the confessions a jury might acquit you. You would have been completely absolved of this crime… So, Mr. Randrup, this is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It will be a burden on you for the rest of your life.”

That Randrup confessed speaks loudly to his own sorrow.

Yet, still, family and friends continued with their own brand of domestic violence and disrespect. Phillip Kissinger, a friend of Chris’, stood up after the sentence was read and said “Your honor, could you explain why you’re giving such a short sentence?“

And even as they were leaving the courtroom, Ellen DesJardins, a friend of a cousin said, “That murderer will be back on the streets in less than two years. Watch out, everybody. He did it to his own son. He’ll definitely do it to yours.”

I can see the spittle ejecting from her mouth at the words. With friends like this, you can see that this whole community will be embroiled in domestic violence. And it will escalate. And more people will become victims.

On this last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I just want to repeat the message that there is a way out of the escalating conflict that leads to tragedy for hundreds of thousands of families every year. The Family Education Training Center of Hawaii, at the University of Hawaii Manoa Campus (efetcg.org), has helped hundreds of young families learn new parenting skills based on respect for others in the family, the community and society. Reading material and online classes can be found at activeparenting.com.

No family that endures domestic violence ever has a winner or a loser. We are all losers. Some of us lose visitation. Some of us lose our lives.

I can’t sympathize with a killer, but I can understand the pain of being abused. To find out more about ways to reduce domestic violence in your life, visit my web site at “www.LiveBeatDad.com.”

Thank you Honolulu Weekly

On Oct 18, 2009, at 11:12 AM, penumbrook wrote:

Dear Editor:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and October 14, letter writer, Mr. Michael Ra Bouchard, has done his part to create misunderstanding and fear about the nature of domestic violence. Couched in truths, Mr. Bouchard demands that abusers must be mandated to domestic violence treatment. Yet, anger is a family problem. You cannot treat one person as if they have a sickness. The family must learn to change. A man may hit, but it may be the woman who escalates. A woman may abuse all members of the family, and, most likely, she will claim to be the abused. Mr. Bouchard says domestic violence is good enough for ending a relationship. He does not tell you that there is an industry of people who will exploit a family rift to rip children from their fathers. 911 is not a parenting style. Advocating government intervention in families deeply hurts children, families and our whole society. Instead, teaching families how to redirect misguided behaviors can quell abuse, minimize sibling rivalry, and encourage a safe home environment. The Family Education Training Center of Hawaii (efetch.org) has helped hundreds of families over the past five years. Similar educational material can be found on activeparenting.com. Every family experiences conflict during their lifetimes. Resolving conflict for mutual benefit sometimes requires apologies and forgiveness and nearly always requires education. There is no excuse for tearing a family apart.

The Sixth TRO

Do you know what it feels like to make sure that every previously vacated Temporary Restraining Order is with you where-ever you go?

Do you know what it is like to have not held a firearm in over 30 years, yet be accused of owning one much less be accused of using it against someone?

For those of you who have followed my web postings, thank you.

I just want you to know that I cannot condone any use of the information you have obtained here to threaten or cause harm to others.

This forum is about rogue domestic violence victims advocates, like my ex-wife, who are abusing the system for personal gain. There are enough of this type to call them a Mafia unto themselves.

If you are a domestic violence perpetrator, your victims are their ammunition. If you are a victim of child abduction or any emotional issue that has destroyed your family, you can choose to perpetuate conflict or resolve it.

Your child, your children are the ones who suffer the most.

Please don’t make our children suffer for our mistakes.

Domestic Violence Gone Public

Hawaii’s Waianae High School was put on lock-down after several fights broke out, officers were assaulted, and one male and two female students were arrested. The Star Bulletin report, “Several injured in school brawl” describes chaos and mayhem where more than 20 students were treated after being exposed to pepper spray or assaulted.

According to some U.S. census data, Waianae’s 10,000 plus residents are comprised of about 50 / 50 percent male and female. 48% of men and 46% of women over 15 are married compared to national averages of 56 and 52% respectively.

Native Hawaiians make up over 2,800 of the total Waianae population and over 4,400 are counted as “two or more races”–hapa–. One could argue that Waianae is made up of over 50% people of indigenous heritage.

In contrast, Honolulu claims less than 10% Pacific Islander and less than 17% hapa. It’s fair to say that Waianae is the last stand of the Hawaiian people on Oahu.

With less than 50% holding a high school diploma and less than 8% holding a bachelors degree or higher, one can easily adduce that higher education is not a primary goal of the community.

With nearly 2,000 disabled and nearly 2,000 speaking a language other than English in their homes, we can deduct that this is a community dependent on government resources and highly fearful of government intervention.

With over 17% of families and nearly 20% of individuals living at or below poverty level, one has to wonder why there are not more brawls at Waianae High School.

The community is under-served, children are not a top priority, 20 kids injured, 3 kids arrested… Maybe this isn’t obvious to most people.

Waianae represents the future of Hawaii .. the worst possible future of Hawaii.

It’s not enough to incarcerate perpetrators of domestic violence. We have to address the needs of every member of every family to belong. We have to teach our children that they belong to our families; they belong to our communities; and they belong in our society.

To learn more about teaching children appropriate ways to belong, we have to learn ourselves. Look it up on my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com or visit efetch.org to find out more information.

Simple Truths About Domestic Violence

Sports:

Krazy Kaz text messages, reported by the AP at Yahoo.com, revealed that she was eye-ball deep in trouble as she planned to off ex-NFL quarterback, Steve McNair. With 50 text messages between herself (Sahel Kazemi) and McNair and another 49 with the guy who sold her the gun, less than 24 hours before she shot McNair. Police said “Given the totality of the evidence as we know it now … the conclusion of the murder-suicide classification has not changed.”

Sibling Rivalry:

In Hawaii, I keep stressing the message that domestic violence is not an aggressor versus victim crime. Domestic violence is a relationship that two people build with each other. Take for instance this report from the HA, Girl, 10, arrested on assault charge, published on 10/20/09.

From one perspective, the incident may seem like ordinary, perhaps even innocent, sibling rivalry. From a domestic violence perspective, there is no innocence in violence. Does this 10-year-old need to compensate her victim for life? I can’t answer that but I can guarantee the questions will keep coming.

Shaniyo Update

In another item of local news, Man shot to death on Maui identified published 10/20/2009, it seems Lila Fujimoto, of Maui News found it important to update her readers on the second murder this year in Maui County. She says that Alan Vargas murder follows the 1/5/09 “stabbing death of 33-year-old John Shaniyo in his residence on West Kauai Street in Kahului. His girlfriend, 24-year-old Rachael Berta, is awaiting trial on a charge of second-degree murder.”

Ms. Fujimoto informed us on 1/10/09, “Suspect ‘wanted to kill herself“, that Ms. Berta was being held on $300,000 bail for probable cause for a second-degree murder.

Even after significant evidence of alcohol abuse, drug abuse and her reputation as a “cutter,” the judge had reduced bail from $500,000. Well, thank you for the update Ms. Fujimoto. Please continue to keep us informed.

The age of a man

On 10/20/09, HA also reports of a “
Nanakuli man accused of assaulting girlfriend, father, uncle.

If you clicked this link, follow the story closely. Remember, domestic violence is never about one person.

It seem that this poor boy’s girlfriend had escalated an argument. She got slapped. The boy’s father intervened and escalated the situation further. In a timely, but unfortunate manner, the boy’s uncle also intervenes missing a blow from a sledge hammer but taking a tire iron in the trapezius.

Names were withheld from this article, perhaps because the authors were not quite sure they were dealing with a fully developed Nanakuli man in the first place. (I know, this makes it sound like a lower, evolutionary branch of homo-sapien.)

At 18, is he a man? Or, is he a boy? I get the image that the girl was giggling as the violence escalated. The parent’s do need to reconsider their parenting methodology. I suggest they contact the good folks at efetch.org.

When DV is not recognized

Finally, the Star Bulletin brings us a sad story of a real domestic violence situation that had escaped notice for the couple’s entire life. Two dead on Maui in apparent murder-suicide.

“Maui police are investigating an apparent murder-suicide in Makawao that left a 59-year-old man and a 58-year-old woman dead of gunshot wounds. No names were released until the pair can be positively identified.”

The story does not say who killed and who was killed. It only intimates that two people of similar age ended their relationship, prematurely, in a violent an inexplicable way.

DV is elusive

Domestic violence is an elusive phenomena. It happens to all of us, yet most of us assume good intentions by the perpetrators, terminate the bad aspects of personal relationships, and shrug off long-term negative effects to preserve our own sanity.

As adults, we take responsibility for our actions. Constitutionally based laws protect us from assault and battery, but in every state, a personal relationship can be exploited for personal gain through allegations of domestic violence.

These state laws raise the pettiness of emotional conflict between every person and every other person to a degree of criminal action not anticipated by our Founding Fathers. DV laws that intend to punish perpetrators, more often reward and incentivize victims. Families are no exception. Families are the targets.

Where once the ideal incubator for democracy was the family, now it is, simply, the tool by which the state lays hold of the family assets and redistributes those assets for its own long-term benefit.

To find out more about domestic violence and it’s disrupting benefits upon the family, visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com.

Star Recognizes Father

The Star Bulletin and the Honolulu Advertiser, on 10/19/09, both reported stories of two young brothers that were killed in a car crash that may have been the result of a race with another car. Only the Star, “Makapuu crash kills 2″ recognized that the older brother was also the father of two children.

Benjamin (20) and Ikaikakane (19) Makekau “may have been racing an unknown vehicle just before the crash, and asked anyone with information about the crash to call 911.” Both newspapers reported different brothers driving, so it is doubly hard to figure out what happened.

It’s hard to say what kind of testosterone fueled motive could have led to this tragedy. As an older Dad, it makes me wonder why any man would put their life at risk when younger siblings and progeny need us in their lives.

I have one brother. I come from a big family not unlike the Makekau’s. This story makes me sad.

My wish is that the family and the children can forgive these two young men. My hope is that they can come together to raise the children.

There are too many ways that a family can be broken by forces from within and without the family. There are too many who overlook the value of a Dad. Visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com to find out more.

Heartful; not Hateful

In spite of it’s failure at a Constitutional level, it’s burden on businesses, and it’s victimizing of fathers and families, the U.S. Sen. Bill 1740, “Security and Financial Empowerment (SAFE) Act,” kept me awake this weekend for an even deeper flaw.

It is a flaw that infects not only this bill, but the Violence Against Women’s Act and the psychology of many domestic violence victim’s advocates.

The bill tries to legislate emotions.

VAWA basically says that because men and women have emotional lives, the government is entitled to intervene in families.

Many people whom I have met in the anti-domestic violence community use this leverage to threaten families, bully lawmakers, and instill fear in the general public.

A whole subculture in America feeds off the emotions of fear and hate of the family.

Child protection agencies and armies of social workers are trained to invade families, to find out who has good emotions and who has bad emotions, then punish and reward people according to their opinions of what they think is in our minds.

Every person who engages in a relationship with an intimate partner is going to feel emotions. We can educate people to encourage each other and teach our children how to grow up in a world without domestic violence.

But no-one can legislate how we feel.

Happy. Sad. Fulfilled. Angry. In love.

If money can’t buy happiness, a bill that purports to provide security and financial empowerment cannot reduce domestic violence because money cannot buy any emotion.

Maybe, these Senators should spend their time writing anti-domestic violence incentives with titles like “Heal All and Educate Relationships Through Fulfilling and Unconditional Love (HEARTFUL)” that solve and resolve domestic violence.

Our Constitution makes certain promises of life, liberty, and happiness. Educating every family on these principles is an important step in diminishing the sad stories of domestic violence we hear every day in our country and beyond. Teaching every child the basic tools of respect for others can help to prevent–and maybe even heal–the most egregious crimes.

To find out more about how the current anti-domestic violence industry is designed to tear apart–rather than heal–your family, visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com.