I wish I could pay tribute to all the children who have lost their mother, father or spiritual guide. Jen in the Dark Crystal, Luke in Star Wars, Harry Potter, Nemo, and Frodo (yes, he lost an uncle, but an important one).

Each of these children, younger than the age of “majority,” have to strike out on an adventure they never asked for. They have a challenge in front of them that they never wanted face. In the process, they grow and perform deeds of heroism beyond our imaginations, yet, exactly the way we would have done it if we were a child once again.

My favorite author, Joseph Campbell, talks about the Hero’s Journey. He accurately described the archetypes we know from the Star Wars series.

Does it seem so far fetched that our children are these heroes, too?

Every child has, within them, the ability to surpass the achievements of their parents in any or every category. A child may be the artist or musician we could never be. They may be the architect or engineer. They may be the medical professional who saves lives, one at a time, or by the hundreds of thousands.

I believe in my children. I want you to believe in yours.

Look in their eyes. Surprise them. Hug them. Play outside. Sing to them. Laugh with them. We never know when we are going to be the ones taken from their lives.

If you are a parent and have been removed from your child’s life without their permission, your child may be on the Hero’s journey. A hand-written letter, telling them about your day, may give them the strength they need to find themselves. Don’t wait another moment.

Hawaii’s saddest domestic violence stories occur all too frequently. For Randal K. Randrup, it is easy to see that the Honolulu Advertiser’s story, Big Island man sentenced to two years for killing son, started long before this 61-year-old father shot his 27-year-old son, Chris Randrup, to death in Puna, Big Island.

Randrup, as he prefers to be called, pleaded guilty to manslaughter in August this year, though he told the court that he was acting in self-defense because his son was beating him. Two years in prison, ten on probation.

As with any family, the story is complex.

Chris’ mother, and aunt and a close friend were permitted to address the court and drew Third Circuit Judge Glenn Hara’s rebuke, perhaps not only for previously unapproved pictures that were eventually admitted. But, perhaps from their unrelenting anger and complete absence of forgiveness, “This evil man killed my son, his own son, in such an obscene manner,” said the mother.

In most “father murders family stories,” the father is not rational, not sane, and something or someone has pushed him beyond an emotional threshold that no man should ever have to bear.

Francis Alcain, Randrup’s attorney pointed to the agony behind the anger and fear that led him to the tragic actions of taking his son’s life.

“On the surface, the relationship that Mr. Randrup had with his son, it appeared to be relatively calm. But little tell-tale signs were present. Mr. Randrup would go to work with an injury one day that he didn’t have before, or a cut, or a bruise, or pain and fear from a vicious kick over a dog. Little things. But the father-son relationship was marred by a pattern of abuse — violent, explosive abuse that continued to escalate in severity and concern.”

When the family does not get help, domestic violence does not go away. It just increases over time.

And Randrup took the time to make his own statement.

“Your honor, this is the worst thing that could ever have happened. I’m so sorry it occurred. I could go on and on, but believe me, I never in my wildest dreams would imagine this occurring. It’s so sad.”

It is easy to see, even from the written story, Randrup’s apology and contrition are sincere.

Yet, even from the bleachers, Chris’ mother could not help interrupting the court with disrespectful harrumphing and clapping. Here too, it is easy to see who were Chris’ enablers and silent partners in the abuse that was occurring within this family against this father.

Judge Hara tried his best to be as compassionate as he could. Before Randrup’s confession, the state had barely any evidence to go on.

“If your trial had proceeded without the confessions, there was a likelihood that without the confessions a jury might acquit you. You would have been completely absolved of this crime… So, Mr. Randrup, this is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It will be a burden on you for the rest of your life.”

That Randrup confessed speaks loudly to his own sorrow.

Yet, still, family and friends continued with their own brand of domestic violence and disrespect. Phillip Kissinger, a friend of Chris’, stood up after the sentence was read and said “Your honor, could you explain why you’re giving such a short sentence?“

And even as they were leaving the courtroom, Ellen DesJardins, a friend of a cousin said, “That murderer will be back on the streets in less than two years. Watch out, everybody. He did it to his own son. He’ll definitely do it to yours.”

I can see the spittle ejecting from her mouth at the words. With friends like this, you can see that this whole community will be embroiled in domestic violence. And it will escalate. And more people will become victims.

On this last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I just want to repeat the message that there is a way out of the escalating conflict that leads to tragedy for hundreds of thousands of families every year. The Family Education Training Center of Hawaii, at the University of Hawaii Manoa Campus (efetcg.org), has helped hundreds of young families learn new parenting skills based on respect for others in the family, the community and society. Reading material and online classes can be found at activeparenting.com.

No family that endures domestic violence ever has a winner or a loser. We are all losers. Some of us lose visitation. Some of us lose our lives.

I can’t sympathize with a killer, but I can understand the pain of being abused. To find out more about ways to reduce domestic violence in your life, visit my web site at “www.LiveBeatDad.com.”

On Oct 18, 2009, at 11:12 AM, penumbrook wrote:

Dear Editor:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and October 14, letter writer, Mr. Michael Ra Bouchard, has done his part to create misunderstanding and fear about the nature of domestic violence. Couched in truths, Mr. Bouchard demands that abusers must be mandated to domestic violence treatment. Yet, anger is a family problem. You cannot treat one person as if they have a sickness. The family must learn to change. A man may hit, but it may be the woman who escalates. A woman may abuse all members of the family, and, most likely, she will claim to be the abused. Mr. Bouchard says domestic violence is good enough for ending a relationship. He does not tell you that there is an industry of people who will exploit a family rift to rip children from their fathers. 911 is not a parenting style. Advocating government intervention in families deeply hurts children, families and our whole society. Instead, teaching families how to redirect misguided behaviors can quell abuse, minimize sibling rivalry, and encourage a safe home environment. The Family Education Training Center of Hawaii (efetch.org) has helped hundreds of families over the past five years. Similar educational material can be found on activeparenting.com. Every family experiences conflict during their lifetimes. Resolving conflict for mutual benefit sometimes requires apologies and forgiveness and nearly always requires education. There is no excuse for tearing a family apart.

Do you know what it feels like to make sure that every previously vacated Temporary Restraining Order is with you where-ever you go?

Do you know what it is like to have not held a firearm in over 30 years, yet be accused of owning one much less be accused of using it against someone?

For those of you who have followed my web postings, thank you.

I just want you to know that I cannot condone any use of the information you have obtained here to threaten or cause harm to others.

This forum is about rogue domestic violence victims advocates, like my ex-wife, who are abusing the system for personal gain. There are enough of this type to call them a Mafia unto themselves.

If you are a domestic violence perpetrator, your victims are their ammunition. If you are a victim of child abduction or any emotional issue that has destroyed your family, you can choose to perpetuate conflict or resolve it.

Your child, your children are the ones who suffer the most.

Please don’t make our children suffer for our mistakes.

Hawaii’s Waianae High School was put on lock-down after several fights broke out, officers were assaulted, and one male and two female students were arrested. The Star Bulletin report, “Several injured in school brawl” describes chaos and mayhem where more than 20 students were treated after being exposed to pepper spray or assaulted.

According to some U.S. census data, Waianae’s 10,000 plus residents are comprised of about 50 / 50 percent male and female. 48% of men and 46% of women over 15 are married compared to national averages of 56 and 52% respectively.

Native Hawaiians make up over 2,800 of the total Waianae population and over 4,400 are counted as “two or more races”–hapa–. One could argue that Waianae is made up of over 50% people of indigenous heritage.

In contrast, Honolulu claims less than 10% Pacific Islander and less than 17% hapa. It’s fair to say that Waianae is the last stand of the Hawaiian people on Oahu.

With less than 50% holding a high school diploma and less than 8% holding a bachelors degree or higher, one can easily adduce that higher education is not a primary goal of the community.

With nearly 2,000 disabled and nearly 2,000 speaking a language other than English in their homes, we can deduct that this is a community dependent on government resources and highly fearful of government intervention.

With over 17% of families and nearly 20% of individuals living at or below poverty level, one has to wonder why there are not more brawls at Waianae High School.

The community is under-served, children are not a top priority, 20 kids injured, 3 kids arrested… Maybe this isn’t obvious to most people.

Waianae represents the future of Hawaii .. the worst possible future of Hawaii.

It’s not enough to incarcerate perpetrators of domestic violence. We have to address the needs of every member of every family to belong. We have to teach our children that they belong to our families; they belong to our communities; and they belong in our society.

To learn more about teaching children appropriate ways to belong, we have to learn ourselves. Look it up on my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com or visit efetch.org to find out more information.

Sports:

Krazy Kaz text messages, reported by the AP at Yahoo.com, revealed that she was eye-ball deep in trouble as she planned to off ex-NFL quarterback, Steve McNair. With 50 text messages between herself (Sahel Kazemi) and McNair and another 49 with the guy who sold her the gun, less than 24 hours before she shot McNair. Police said “Given the totality of the evidence as we know it now … the conclusion of the murder-suicide classification has not changed.”

Sibling Rivalry:

In Hawaii, I keep stressing the message that domestic violence is not an aggressor versus victim crime. Domestic violence is a relationship that two people build with each other. Take for instance this report from the HA, Girl, 10, arrested on assault charge, published on 10/20/09.

From one perspective, the incident may seem like ordinary, perhaps even innocent, sibling rivalry. From a domestic violence perspective, there is no innocence in violence. Does this 10-year-old need to compensate her victim for life? I can’t answer that but I can guarantee the questions will keep coming.

Shaniyo Update

In another item of local news, Man shot to death on Maui identified published 10/20/2009, it seems Lila Fujimoto, of Maui News found it important to update her readers on the second murder this year in Maui County. She says that Alan Vargas murder follows the 1/5/09 “stabbing death of 33-year-old John Shaniyo in his residence on West Kauai Street in Kahului. His girlfriend, 24-year-old Rachael Berta, is awaiting trial on a charge of second-degree murder.”

Ms. Fujimoto informed us on 1/10/09, “Suspect ‘wanted to kill herself“, that Ms. Berta was being held on $300,000 bail for probable cause for a second-degree murder.

Even after significant evidence of alcohol abuse, drug abuse and her reputation as a “cutter,” the judge had reduced bail from $500,000. Well, thank you for the update Ms. Fujimoto. Please continue to keep us informed.

The age of a man

On 10/20/09, HA also reports of a “
Nanakuli man accused of assaulting girlfriend, father, uncle.

If you clicked this link, follow the story closely. Remember, domestic violence is never about one person.

It seem that this poor boy’s girlfriend had escalated an argument. She got slapped. The boy’s father intervened and escalated the situation further. In a timely, but unfortunate manner, the boy’s uncle also intervenes missing a blow from a sledge hammer but taking a tire iron in the trapezius.

Names were withheld from this article, perhaps because the authors were not quite sure they were dealing with a fully developed Nanakuli man in the first place. (I know, this makes it sound like a lower, evolutionary branch of homo-sapien.)

At 18, is he a man? Or, is he a boy? I get the image that the girl was giggling as the violence escalated. The parent’s do need to reconsider their parenting methodology. I suggest they contact the good folks at efetch.org.

When DV is not recognized

Finally, the Star Bulletin brings us a sad story of a real domestic violence situation that had escaped notice for the couple’s entire life. Two dead on Maui in apparent murder-suicide.

“Maui police are investigating an apparent murder-suicide in Makawao that left a 59-year-old man and a 58-year-old woman dead of gunshot wounds. No names were released until the pair can be positively identified.”

The story does not say who killed and who was killed. It only intimates that two people of similar age ended their relationship, prematurely, in a violent an inexplicable way.

DV is elusive

Domestic violence is an elusive phenomena. It happens to all of us, yet most of us assume good intentions by the perpetrators, terminate the bad aspects of personal relationships, and shrug off long-term negative effects to preserve our own sanity.

As adults, we take responsibility for our actions. Constitutionally based laws protect us from assault and battery, but in every state, a personal relationship can be exploited for personal gain through allegations of domestic violence.

These state laws raise the pettiness of emotional conflict between every person and every other person to a degree of criminal action not anticipated by our Founding Fathers. DV laws that intend to punish perpetrators, more often reward and incentivize victims. Families are no exception. Families are the targets.

Where once the ideal incubator for democracy was the family, now it is, simply, the tool by which the state lays hold of the family assets and redistributes those assets for its own long-term benefit.

To find out more about domestic violence and it’s disrupting benefits upon the family, visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com.

The Star Bulletin and the Honolulu Advertiser, on 10/19/09, both reported stories of two young brothers that were killed in a car crash that may have been the result of a race with another car. Only the Star, “Makapuu crash kills 2″ recognized that the older brother was also the father of two children.

Benjamin (20) and Ikaikakane (19) Makekau “may have been racing an unknown vehicle just before the crash, and asked anyone with information about the crash to call 911.” Both newspapers reported different brothers driving, so it is doubly hard to figure out what happened.

It’s hard to say what kind of testosterone fueled motive could have led to this tragedy. As an older Dad, it makes me wonder why any man would put their life at risk when younger siblings and progeny need us in their lives.

I have one brother. I come from a big family not unlike the Makekau’s. This story makes me sad.

My wish is that the family and the children can forgive these two young men. My hope is that they can come together to raise the children.

There are too many ways that a family can be broken by forces from within and without the family. There are too many who overlook the value of a Dad. Visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com to find out more.

In spite of it’s failure at a Constitutional level, it’s burden on businesses, and it’s victimizing of fathers and families, the U.S. Sen. Bill 1740, “Security and Financial Empowerment (SAFE) Act,” kept me awake this weekend for an even deeper flaw.

It is a flaw that infects not only this bill, but the Violence Against Women’s Act and the psychology of many domestic violence victim’s advocates.

The bill tries to legislate emotions.

VAWA basically says that because men and women have emotional lives, the government is entitled to intervene in families.

Many people whom I have met in the anti-domestic violence community use this leverage to threaten families, bully lawmakers, and instill fear in the general public.

A whole subculture in America feeds off the emotions of fear and hate of the family.

Child protection agencies and armies of social workers are trained to invade families, to find out who has good emotions and who has bad emotions, then punish and reward people according to their opinions of what they think is in our minds.

Every person who engages in a relationship with an intimate partner is going to feel emotions. We can educate people to encourage each other and teach our children how to grow up in a world without domestic violence.

But no-one can legislate how we feel.

Happy. Sad. Fulfilled. Angry. In love.

If money can’t buy happiness, a bill that purports to provide security and financial empowerment cannot reduce domestic violence because money cannot buy any emotion.

Maybe, these Senators should spend their time writing anti-domestic violence incentives with titles like “Heal All and Educate Relationships Through Fulfilling and Unconditional Love (HEARTFUL)” that solve and resolve domestic violence.

Our Constitution makes certain promises of life, liberty, and happiness. Educating every family on these principles is an important step in diminishing the sad stories of domestic violence we hear every day in our country and beyond. Teaching every child the basic tools of respect for others can help to prevent–and maybe even heal–the most egregious crimes.

To find out more about how the current anti-domestic violence industry is designed to tear apart–rather than heal–your family, visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com.

On 10/7/09, three Democratic U.S. Senators, Patty Murray (D-WA), Sherrod Brown (D-OH), and Chris Dodd (D-CT), of our 111th Congress, introduced legislation that would dramatically empower alleged victims of domestic violence.

The proposed legislation is entitled “Sen. 1740, Security and Financial Empowerment (SAFE) Act. In short, the bill:
• Would require employers to provide emergency leave for acts of domestic violence.
• Would require unemployment compensation for alleged victims of domestic violence.
• Would require employers to keep alleged victim’s jobs available for when and if they decide to return to work, and
• Would require the continuation of insurance under an alleged perpetrator’s insurance coverage when the alleged victim has made an allegation of domestic violence.

No one likes the term “socialism.” And, not one democratic (much less republican) person of voting age that I know, believes that America should become a socialist country. But, legislative proposals like this, that abrogate provisions of the U.S. Constitution in order to allegedly protect a vocal minority, would send us down that slippery slope.

I am not an expert on Constitutional law, but each of the four sections of this proposed legislation appears to misquote Article 1, Section 8 of the Constitution to provide for the general welfare and to regulate commerce among the several States.

Where the Constitution says, “Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States” and “To regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states, and with the Indian tribes;” it seems a stretch to offer government subsidies to alleged victims as well as demand that employers pick up the tabs for their allegations.

In addition, the provisions of this bill
• Would deprive alleged perpetrators life, liberty, and or property without due process of law (Amendment V),
• Would deprive the alleged perpetrator of the right to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation and to be confronted with the witnesses against him (Amendment VI),
• Would force states to abridge the privileges and immunities of citizens of the U.S.,
• Would, by tearing apart fathers from their children, deprive alleged perpetrators of life, liberty and property without the due process of law, and
• Would deny to any alleged perpetrator the equal protection of the laws (Amendment XIV).

The bill is as flawed as (and perhaps more than) VAWA.

In it’s Section 2, the bill purports to make 37 Findings of Fact. Yet every alleged fact is riddled with assumptions or questions that cannot be proved or answered. Where the first finding claims that women are disproportionately the victims of domestic violence, the authors have failed to take into account one simple truth of domestic violence: It takes two to tango. For every man who escalates an argument at least one woman escalates in kind.

This bill does nothing to teach couples and families how to de-escalate conflict. Therefore, the bill will ultimately end up increasing domestic violence.

Also, in the very first alleged Finding, the proposed legislation states that 23 percent of female victims of violent crimes were victimized by an intimate partner. Where men are overwhelmingly victims of violent crimes, fatal on-the-job accidents, and casualties of war, intimate partner victimization is a far smaller percentage. By carving out DV reported by women, the proposed legislation admits that women report DV crimes more often than men do. The language “nearly 1 in 4 female victims” is a skewed and inaccurate number designed to frighten and scare people into believing that women are not equally responsible for crimes of DV.

In the remaining 36 Findings, each contains a fabrication or an omission that could lead a reasonable person to believe the statements are true and that they have relevance to the domestic violence issues that all families suffer today.

But, this is not true.

This proposed legislation fails on Constitutional grounds and fails on the logic of it’s Findings. It fails on democratic principles that enable each member of a family to respect and honor each other. It fails on republican principles to give every member of a family an equal voice. It fails in its punitive treatment of fathers and our sons. And it fails the principles of the American Family, the birthplace of every democratic-republic.

This proposed legislation enables individuals–who have no respect or understanding of our way of life–to take advantage of financial incentives to divide families and to sever father and child relationships.

In the U.S, nearly 40 percent of children are born to single parents. Most of those parents are mothers. Most of those fathers will never be allowed into the lives of these children. Our country is at risk of dissolving if our children cannot learn the principles of the American Family that has engendered us as a great nation.

To find out more about how our laws are abused to separate families and keep fathers away from children, visit my web site at www.LiveBeatDad.com.

cc:
Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-HI)
Sen. Dan Inouye (D-HI)

I want your help with criticism on this bill, proposed in the U.S. Senate on 10/7/09 (Sen 1740, 111th Congress). And I welcome your input. Find my (rtf) copy with commentary here. Click “About,” “The Years,” and “2009.”

It seems to me that the bill is biased, unconstitutional, and will lead to an increase in false allegations of domestic violence, because it provides incentives for women to to fabricate false allegations of domestic violence to obtain government money.

“Because I am hungry, the government should feed me. Because I am cold, the government should cloth and house me.” This is the rhetoric of the socialist state. It is not democratic. It is not republic. And it has no place in a democratic-republic.

I want to email my congressional representatives against this bill. Help me if you can.