Believable Insincerity

Blaming children for what they have learned from us is a common error we make as parents. The child who smokes at 12 or gets caught drunk at 14 is chastised, grounded, and punished in many ways. Yet, as parents, we often fail to realize that it is our smoking and drinking that have led children into these behaviors in the first place.

I don’t smoke or drink excessively. But, when I recently received an email from my ex, the larger problem of being denied the simplest visitation with my children for over two years was revealed by the smallest offense.

As background, I suffered a sense of humor in which it was ok to self-deprecate, but not permitted to disrespect my then wife. The term of endearment she used for me, “Jerk,” became part of daily life over my objections. Practical jokes were cute when someone else was the target, and my ex would tell me long stories about how she and her sister would victimize their targets. Also, she used the term “Dumb Butt” as a pejorative worthy of her most hated targets, such as her father or mother.

From our legal proceedings over the past 10 years, it is easy to see how her hatred and anger have grown, I was not terribly surprised to find the “name” of my email address in her TO line, “Dumb Butt.” According to my ex:

Long story short, one of the kids thought it would be funny to re-name some of my email addresses when I didn’t close my account down on the computer awhile back so I’d like to apologize to Larry for this because it was truly inappropriate. We had a long discussion over here (once again) about the appropriate use of the computer and conditions for computer use and the guilty party has been consequenced for the “boundary violation” and implications of such a “joke”.

What the parent has missed is that the daughter has adopted the mother’s lifestyle of hating people she does not know or understand.

Having been kidnapped and denied visitation at five-years-old was just the first part of years of inappropriate conduct demeaning the child’s father in front of the child and allowing the child to be within earshot while complaining about her hated ex-husband. These techniques of parenting have long been recognized as child abuse.

Without the presence of the noncustodial parent, the child caters to and complies with the custodial parent to ensure that she belongs and is loved. The noncustodial has been forcefully removed and therefore must be weaker and dumber as the custodial parent continues to deny visitation. Therein lies the power of the controlling parent to do long term harm to a child while denying all responsibility.

Forever in her life, this child will believe that a person who loves them, her father, can be taken away upon the whims of another person more powerful, her mother. Love will never be something she can count on as true and beneficial for both lover and loved. Her father and men in general will be objects to be abused. Thus the cycle continues.

To find out more about how to protect yourself from women like this, visit my web site at


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