Archive for October, 2008

Maui Man Honored for Domestic Violence Work

October 21, 2008

The Honolulu Advertiser reports on 10/20/2008, “Maui officer honored for domestic violence work.” The article recognizes a police officer for his work in Domestic Violence prevention programs. “Ron Tamanaha, who has specialized in investigating domestic violence for 12 of his 25 years as a police officer, was presented with a certificate of appreciation from the Maui County Domestic Violence Task Force and TRO Subcommittee.

The article goes on to explain Tamanaha’s work. “Part of his job is trying to educate people about the cycle of domestic violence and resources available for victims.” This is code speak for the Duluth model of DV which blames men and gives abusive women a free pass.

“Since the Maui Police Department began tracking domestic violence cases in January 1992, the number of abuse cases reported annually in Maui County has more than doubled.” This is believable. Women find it easier to obtain temporary restraining orders and file false allegations of domestic violence since many laws have been updated to conform to the Federal Violence Against Women’s Act (VAWA); a law that is discriminatory by its name.

The article does not say how many of the 2,820 abuse cases, 102 temporary restraining order violations, 161 violations of protective orders, 359 arrests for abuse, 219 arrests for violations of temporary restraining orders, and 405 other domestic violence incidents this year were due to false allegations or parenting issues. The author, Lila Fujimoto, does not say how many men, women, or children were involved. These sins of omission infect innocent men and violate the rights of children.

“[T]here are still going to be unreported cases…” Conflict is inherent in human interaction. Better work has to be done to track false allegations. We need to know real life statistics that women are responsible for initiating at least half and men are injured in one third of reported cases even though men are less likely to report abuse.

New legislation, such as Shared Parenting laws, will help stop the mis-reporting of domestic violence in cases where it is used as leverage in divorces. A “domestic violence-free community?” Hawaii laws encourage DV. TROs and divorce happy lawyers make DV worse. Prosecutors who demonize men and destroy families should be reigned in.

The work of men like Roy Tamanaha should honor the true nature of Domestic Violence as a family problem to be resolved by families without fear of government intervention. Domestic Violence Awareness Month should be more than a propaganda tool. It should be an open call to an honest discussion.

Children need both parents.

To find out more about common myths of Domestic Violence and the people who perpetrate them, visit my web site at


Parental Alienation Hurts

October 18, 2008

Dear State Representative: (an email)

Responding to Dara Carlin’s unstated allegations promoting the San Francisco Daily Journal article, “The Dangerous Legal Tactic at the Heart of Baldwin’s Book,” 10/06/08, Sol Gothard & Randy Burton.

I am a victim of Parental Alienation. I am the ex-husband of Dara Carlin, a self-proclaimed Hawaiian advocate for domestic violence victims, and the father of our children. I have not been permitted to see my children in over two years.

After years of pleading innocent to false allegations of domestic abuse, Dara obtained an order that requires three psychologists to illegally break Federal HIPAA privacy rules in order for me to continue visitation with my children.

Judge Kuriyama could not see through this ruse. Instead, she convicted me of being a “bad parent,” guilty of everything that is in Dara’s mind. No evidence was needed for this conviction. I was self-represented against a bunch of angry women in a closed court room; the secretive Family Court of the State of Hawaii. Sole physical and legal custody is a powerful, profitable, and corrupting motive for the prosecution.

I have been attending the Family Education Training Center of Hawaii at the University of Hawaii Manoa Campus for the past five years. It is program that teaches respect and democracy within a household. They have helped hundreds of families decrease domestic violence in their homes.

I have a wonderful relationship with a fine woman and her two children. We have just passed our fourth anniversary. Their father is in Oregon. I encourage them to talk to him as often as they can. I speak well of their father.

I have successfully defended myself in two recent temporary restraining order cases in which Dara attempted to characterize me as angry as Bryan Uyesugi. I am a decent and devoted father who loves and misses my children.

My daughter, age 13, hates me–I am told–and hates her mother. She hates me because, from a child’s desire to belong to a family, it is the only way that my daughter is able to earn Dara’s love and respect. She hates her mother because her mother has terminated her father’s love.

My son–age 7 at the time–inexplicably, began to tell stories of “Daddy hitting.” His reward was to lose visitation with his Dad, his buddy, and friend. It tears my heart to understand and feel a child’s grief at the loss of a loved one.

My children, their school counselors, and their blended family and friends have been convinced by Dara that there is a “no-contact” order between me and the children. My kids have not responded to a year’s worth of “Thinking of you” cards. They do not send thank-you notes for birthday presents. They don’t call on Father’s Day. They are afraid to contact me.

To be killed, like Roy Hartsock’s wife, is a terrible thing; but her children have closure. To be alive and–at the same time–dead to your children is a worse fate.

I cannot tell you if there is a Parental Alienation “Syndrome.”

I know that there is Parental Alienation. According to a study by Chaim Steinberger of the New York State Bar Association in his Spring 2006, NY Family Law Review article (Vol. 38), “Father? What Father?,” nearly 80 percent of 1,000 divorcing families over a 12-year period suffered from mild to severe alienation from the custodial parent. As many as 20 percent of these families suffered from severe alienation, where insistent bad-mouthing turned into brainwashing and the children were damaged for their whole lives.

Children of these families are angry at both parents and often deny either parent into their lives after the age of emancipation. They go on; moving from one broken relationship to another. They are never able to trust another human being.

The Violence Against Women’s Act has done no favors for men like me or families who could have weathered bad times. Many of its misguided provisions increase domestic violence. But they have one small, important insight. Anyone who interferes with the right of the child to the other parent is guilty of domestic violence.

I have not read Alec Baldwin’s book. I don’t know the details of Mike Wooten’s custody battle. But I have talked to men and women around the country who experience the same second-class citizenship that is being a non-custodial parent. It’s not a black or latino prejudice. It is a prejudice that kills hope in fathers who are threatened with divorce. Hawaii’s recent string of murder-suicides, likely, have all been fueled by a common element; a wife demanding a divorce.

But, my case is far from those extremes. I am a statistic of men who suffer life without the children we brought into this world. I am an advocate for Shared Parenting laws that would significantly reduce divorces and domestic abuse. While my ethos for life is strong, the prejudice against me also kills hope in my children. No matter what I do, Dara has made sure that the children know I made the wrong choice. The children are violated and will never be able to fully re-establish relationships with either parent.

Dara does not act in the best interests of our children. At face value, articles like she attached here do not tell the story that women receive custody in over 80 percent of divorces. By sheer numbers, women are responsible for domestic violence against children in these single-parent households. And, on average, women are far better off financially after five years than the fathers who are shut out of the children’s lives.

Women, like Dara, are responsible for initiating nearly 80 percent of divorces. They are responsible for initiating domestic violence in 50 percent of the reported cases, even though men are a third as likely to report domestic violence. They are responsible for kidnapping and taking children over state lines. They are responsible for sneak attacks, escalating arguments, and making false allegations against their “alleged perpetrators.”

While my case is on appeal (Hawaii Intermediate Court of Appeals, Case No. 28563), I have lost confidence in Hawaii’s Family Court to make any decision on behalf of my children. Dara has led the charge. She has won. Our children have lost. Dara has become a larger and more powerful tyrant with each case. Her power and control have grown and she plays the DV card in the local media like a seasoned actor.

She promotes the idea that Parental Alienation does not exist because she cannot look in the mirror and see herself.

As for Alec Baldwin, I found his interview on CBS 60 Minutes to be very revealing about the second-class life that many of us would trade for the opportunity to collaborate with our ex-spouses and give our children the future they deserve.

If you wish to find out more, please visit my web site and blog at It is a simple-text and small-image, father’s help web site that loads quickly.

Hawaiian Police Blotter Sample

October 17, 2008

In Hawaii, some days are quiet, some are just crazy. Sunday, 10/12/08, was bad when I saw a woman lying on H-1 at 4.45am, the victim of a hit-and-run. The eerie, plaintive wails carried over several blocks, like a Klingon death cry. The noise her friends expressed was unearthly, loud, and so heart-wrenching it woke me from a deep sleep into a mournful wakening.

Later when I read the news, it was gut-wrenching to learn that she had had an argument with the driver of the vehicle, grabbed the steering wheel, and rammed the car into the median. I can imagine her jumping out of the passenger side of the car still screaming at the driver, the bumper launched 30 feet in front of the vehicle and debris covering the roadway around the car.

How could she have been so mad, so angry, that she didn’t notice she was in the left lane of a freeway and that a car with an inattentive driver was bearing down on her at 60 mph. I don’t know how she got hit or how she died. I just saw her body lying close to the car.

Today (10/16/08) was crazy, too. It only takes a few minutes to scan the headlines.

  • Woman arrested after stabbing fiancé twice, Honolulu Advertiser
  • Woman accused of ramming cars, Star Bulletin, Police, Honolulu
  • Escapee caught 19 months later, Star Bulletin, Police, Honolulu
  • Man, 46, arrested in sexual assault, Star Bulletin, Police, Honolulu
  • Waianae man, 32, accused of threats, Star Bulletin, Police, Leeward Oahu

In the first story, a 32 year-old woman stabs her 46 year-old fiancé in the shoulder. He leaves but does not call the police. He returns to their home later that evening and she slashes him across the left bicep with the same knife.

Men don’t report it, like this dude who ignored it the first time. It’s ugly, but it’s the truth. Domestic Violence takes on many forms. It is difficult to see how the man could have been the aggressor in this case, but I’m sure that’s the defense the woman will have. She will call herself a victim and never admit that she herself contributed to the violence even after the several hours she had to cool off.

In the second story, a woman sees her “estranged” husband in a parking lot with another woman. What sort of logic would cause her to ram her car into his, pushing the car into two others and causing a lot of property damage? When a person–man or woman–has so much vengeance pent up inside them, blaming others is the only course of action that seems logical.

Could a woman like this ever be convinced that she is the aggressor and perpetrator of domestic violence? Nah. There are too many people who will advocate for “her side” of the story. The “victim” will prevail in our Hawaiian Family Courts.

Will a woman like this ever see how much she is hurting people all around her? No. The defensive mechanisms of the victim will never allow her to take responsibility for her actions and the positive reinforcement from our Family Courts will make her a bold and formidable monster.

A convict is caught 19 months after escaping from a work-furlough. The 43 year-old convict is a woman. She’s been living in the Keeaumoku Street area and has been in hiding since March 2, 2007. How did they find her? Police responded to an argument early Monday morning (10/13/08). She was arrested at 4.40am.

A 46 year-old man is arrested in a sexual assault case. His “victim,” a 23 year-old woman, says the incident took place at 9 a.m. August 19, 2008, near Kapiolani Boulevard; in rush-hour, in broad-daylight, in a very public and heavily trafficked location by people in cars and on foot. I know I’m not getting the whole story here.

Was this a slap on the buttocks or a business transaction that the man paid for? Police arrested the man for investigation of second-degree sexual assault and later released him pending investigation. Obviously someone is aggrieved. A spurious, sexual assault allegation can cost a man his career, his friends, and his family.

In the last story, a Wainaie man is accused of making threats against his wife. As you can guess, they were having an argument. The man is said to have threatened his wife with a knife. Well, that puts her light year’s better off than the gentleman in the earlier story. The allegation is that he hurt her and held her against her will. The woman’s brother got involved, assaulted the man, then fled. Strange that the Police decided to arrest the Wainaie man “on suspicion of first-degree terroristic threatening, abuse and kidnapping.”

All of these stories have one thing in common. Domestic Violence is a problem. It is a problem caused by men and women alike, in equal numbers. It is a problem complicated by the involvement of law enforcement personnel. It is a problem that allows the state to enter into the family life and take away the rights and responsibilities of its citizens. It is a problem that is almost always blamed on the man involved even when he is clearly the victim.

In all of these stories, the one element missing from each relationship is an ability to respect the other person. Domestic Violence starts in the home when we take each other for granted and don’t give each other the special time to listen to each other, play with each other, and enjoy life together. Together families can be a strong bulwark of democracy against the intrusive tyranny of the state. Domestic Violence breaks that wall.

It is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s time for all these women to –Break The Silence. Women are perpetrators, too.

X-Prize for Health Care

October 16, 2008

I’m not a scientist or a doctor, but I know a good thing when I see it. This is a good thing; an X-Prize for Health Care. reported this announcement on October 16, 2008 in their article, “Health Care X PRIZE: Health Care Revolution Through Competition.”

Most of us became familiar with the X-Prize when Burt Rutan blasted off with his Space Ship One and White Knight mothership. Space Ship One was the first commercial spacecraft to get to sub-orbital flight twice in two weeks. Rutan won the $10 million dollar prize. A new version of the ship, capable of carrying a half-dozen paying passengers, is under construction.

MedGadget reports that the X-Prize founders have teamed up with Wellpoint, a health insurance company, to come up with a $10 million dollar or more prize for the development of a health care system that works. They write, “At the present time, the details about a “$10 million or more” competition, designed to generate new ways to address the nation’s health care system challenges, is being worked out.”

X-Prizes have been launched in other ventures as well. Lunar exploration, rapid human genome sequencing, and a 100 mpg car are some of the X-Prizes that are spurring scientists to collaborate and helping investors leverage hundreds of millions of dollars in private investment. The space industry incubated by the X-Prize is now worth over $1.5 billion.

The point of the X-Prize for Health Care is “to fundamentally rethink the financing and payment of health care.” This is, apparently, the first application of an X-Prize towards a social policy goal. Former U.S. Senator Bill Bradley is quoted as saying “I see it as a way for maximizing the involvement of the American people in two of the thorniest problems in health care – payments and delivery. The result of this could positively impact the direction of health care reform in the next decades…”

Why am I talking about this on a father’s help blog? Health care is a thorny issue for divorcing spouses. Messing with the health care of children is not something any judge will tolerate in Family Court. It would be one less issue to fight over in custody battles and for the many fathers who can’t afford health care for themselves, it should be one less worry that health care is available for our kids.

Watching the candidate’s debate about their health care reform ideas, I can’t help but lose hope that the system in place is truly beyond reform. Getting our kids the best health care we can is still a desirable goal. If a politician can’t do it, we should do it ourselves. This is the best thing to come along in a while. I hope it gets a lot of air-time.

Web Site Update

October 15, 2008

Hello. I know that you have been waiting for an update to various elements of my web site. I am currently looking at the Shared Parenting Initiative that could have avoided conflict in the Sarah Palin family.

This initiative is simple in precedent, but complex in the details. Simply, “Shared Parenting is the presumption for Joint Physical and Legal Custody in a divorce when neither parent is found unfit.”

The initiative has been proven to reduce divorces and increase cooperation among parents who must truly get divorced.  The initiative has the potential to increase voluntary child support payments and increase the time that noncustodial parents–primarily fathers–get to spend with their kids. It is a win-win initiative.

Help me, be patient with me as I develop this area of my web site at

See you there!

DV Awareness Month, Sarah Palin Nomination

October 14, 2008

It’s often said, “Give credit where credit is due.” In recognition of domestic violence awareness month, I nominate Sarah Palin as abuser of the month.

On October 10, 2008, the Associated Press reported on a Legislative Committee investigating an abuse of power allegation against Sarah Palin, “Legislative Panel: Palin Abused Authority.” The committee found that “she unlawfully abused her authority in firing the state’s public safety commissioner.”

Governor Palin is accused of using her government office to carry out a family grudge against people who stood in her way. Walter Monegan’s firing was just collateral damage rather than the real focus of Governor Palin’s wrath.

“Monegan says he was dismissed as retribution for resisting pressure to fire a state trooper involved in a bitter divorce with the governor’s sister.” The trooper, Mike Wooten, is a non-custodial father who was battling the entire Palin family for opportunities to see his children. The Palin family, including Todd Palin, the Governor’s husband, were especially active in preventing Wooten from seeing his children.

Many of the reports, including a New York Times article, “Palins Repeatedly Pressed Case Against Trooper” published on 10/10/08, described the active role that Mr. Palin played in the harassment against Wooten. The Palin’s pressed hard to have evidence submitted; Wooten shot a moose without a permit while on a wildlife detail, used a taser on his 10 year old nephew, drank a beer at a friend’s barbeque, and rode a snowmobile while collecting disability benefits.

If all this was pressed by Mr. Palin, how does that make Sarah the abuser? A man’s first instinct is to protect his family. A man will do what his wife suggests, especially when she’s holding the key to the pleasures between her legs. And, every husband knows that a woman slighted is a very unreliable ally. Mr. Palin should have had better judgment, but no man can survive a marriage with better judgment when faced with a driven woman.

Any one of the allegations could be serious, but one gets the sense that there was a lot of digging to craft allegations in order to press a family vendetta against a non-custodial father. They even used a DV restraining order that had been served on Wooten. Wooten’s former wife’s father admitted there was no physical violence but that he had “intimidated her” by saying “he would shoot Mr. Heath if he hired her a divorce lawyer and would “take down” Ms. Palin if she got involved.”

I’m not saying that these allegations are baseless. However, it is very likely that they were “exaggerated.” As many men who have been through similar “nasty” divorces can tell, the pattern is typical and is meant to separate the father from the children. Custodial parents often tell the children that their father is breaking the law, not playing by the rules, or not abiding by the court decisions. The continuous statements become deeply ingrained in young, impressionable minds.

Whether or not Wooten was guilty of each of these allegations, each one was used as a prop for the next allegation. The series of allegations is used to show that the father is a serial abuser and can’t be trusted with the children. Eventually, most men cannot tolerate the lop-sided decisions issued by the closed and secretive Family Courts. Most men walk away from the women who hurt them because their children are being hurt more by their presence and the vindictive actions of the custodial parent. Some react violently. Wooten, it appears, fell into the former category.

The Violence Against Women’s Act deems as domestic violence any behavior that would interfere with a parent’s relationship between children and their parents. Sarah Palin was using her power as an elected official to come between a father and his children. Using such a heavy hammer for a personal grudge is not simply an abuse of power.

The articles mentioned–and many other investigative pieces–put together a puzzle that points back to Sarah Palin; serial abuser, predatory abuser. The decision they should find is not that Governor Palin abused her power but that she is a domestic violence perpetrator.

HA Wife Killer The Truth

October 3, 2008

Subject:    RE: HA Wife Killer Article
Date:    10/03/2008 12:02 AM

Hi Mr. Perez,

I didn’t say she was “found” guilty. I am saying she is guilty and by playing the “victim” card, she has more power and control than ever.

I have been found guilty of being a bad parent in our Hawaiian Family Court. No evidence was needed because she smartly played the victim fantasy. How did this happen? I took responsibility for being a reasonable and imperfect guy.

Because of this, Hawaii Courts allowed Dara to abduct our kids over 8 years ago to Hawaii. When I made a concerted effort to be near them, I lived with threats, harrassment, and denied visitation. I have not seen or talked to my kids in over two years. She now has an order in place that requires three shrinks to violate HIPPA rules before I can see my kids again. That order, which makes a mockery of the American Judicial System, is on appeal, (Case 28563, Hawaii Intermediate Court of Appeals).

Dara is not a woman who cares about other victims of domestic violence, including Jenny Hartsock. During her lobbying for victims and families, she often butts heads with people who want to pass reasonable legislation. Her interactions with my family are so contentious that our kids have had diminishing contact with their 16 New York cousins since they came to Hawaii 8 years ago.

My 13 year old daughter is isolated and introverted, hates her mother and hates her father because that’s how she gets attention from Dara. My 10 year old son loved being with me up until he was 8 when he suddenly came up with false stories that I was hitting him. I don’t know who convinced him to tell that story, but it worked well for Dara, and I’m sure that it has had a big, negative emotional impact on my son.

I have had a wonderful four year relationship with a reasonable woman and her two kids here in Hawaii. There was little that I did wrong as a father and a husband to deserve being treated like this.

However, my main concern is for our kids. When a woman can terminate a father’s love from her children the way Dara has, she is no better than Roy Hartsock. To say that she is an advocate for victims of domestic violence is hypocritical and pretty darned offensive.

I’ll be happy to provide you with enough documentation to make you wonder, if a man like me can be found guilty and terminated from his own children on such trivial and false charges, how many more men have been declared perpetrators of domestic violence in Hawaii’s secretive Family Court.

Thanks for lending an ear. This is an issue that has remained covered up for too long. Domestic Violence Awareness Month would be a great time to show the true face of family violence.

HA Wife Killer Response

October 3, 2008

From: “Perez, Rob J.” []
Date: 10/01/2008 11:46 PM
Subject: RE: HA Wife Killer Article

I was the reporter who contributed the quotes from Dara Carlin in Jim Dooley’s story about the wife killer. Dara Carlin is recognized by the Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence as a victim advocate and has, as you pointed out, lobbied in Congress on domestic-violence issues.

I’m not sure what you want us to retract. There is nothing inaccurate in how I quoted her, so there is nothing to retract. If you can refer me to a court ruling indicating that she is a serial perpetrator of domestic violence or a kidnapper, as you claim, then I would certainly hesitate to quote her in the future. But I haven’t seen any independent evidence to that effect.

I appreciate you taking the time to write us.

Rob Perez

Honolulu Advertiser
Ph: 808 525-8054
Fax: 808 525-8037

HA Wife Killer Article

October 1, 2008

TO: Jim Dooley, Hawaii Advertiser Staff Writer

Dear Mr. Dooley,

I would like to respectfully request that you retract your portion of the story, “Wife killer sentenced to life in prison for brutal stabbing,” 9/30/08, that portrays Dara Carlin as an anti-domestic violence advocate.

This is a woman who kidnapped our children. Took them across state lines. Made false allegations to get temporary restraining orders that Hawaii granted without question and has made my kids’ life much different than it would have been in the children’s Virginia home.

She is a serial perpetrator of domestic violence. She has committed, out of anger and spite, verbal and physical abuse against her mother, father, aunties and cousins, that I know of. She used to tell me of stories of her ex-boyfriends, how she used to take advantage of them and how they were always stalking her. She was smart enough to hide most of this until after our marriage.

She sent a sperm filled condom to a rival. She stabbed me with a pencil. She destroyed things that belonged to me. Having been trained in Marriage and Family Therapy and having a decade of domestic violence intervention experience in New York, Virginia, and in Hawaii, she turned all her education and experience on me. At least eight times during our marriage, she purposefully escalated arguments, including one in which I attempted to sleep through the first hour and a half. Then she claimed she remembered none of it.

To this day, I have stated my innocence at the hundreds of false allegations, like denying her perfume and ice cream, and the unfair family court decisions held in the closed and secretive family court of this state.

Dara is a dangerous person. She is pretending to be a victim to promote the myth that domestic violence is a male only crime. She fails to see the number of lives she has already destroyed along the way.

I have not seen my kids in over two years. Dara has weaseled a court order that requires three psychologists to break HIPPA confidentiality rules in order for me to see my kids again.

Dara lobbies our Congress to pass laws that make it easier to divorce, easier to blame men for DV crimes, easier to jail men for parenting issues, and easier for family courts to take control of the private family lives of our citizens. She is actively making our state a more dangerous place to live for us all.

She is an angry vengeful woman and a poster child for domestic violence perpetrators.

Thank you for allowing my say. I appreciate your time. And I hope you understand the gravity of giving her airtime in your newspaper.