Archive for December, 2008

Still Writing

December 30, 2008

There is not much that I am permitted to publish currently. But, I feel we should all be concerned about the current attack against me.

In short, the TRO seeks to make unlawful 1) Writing this blog, 2) Maintaining my web site, and 3) Attending public meetings in the Hawaii Senate. The precedent would be chilling.

Please review the most recent current document posted at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/. Click on “The Years” and “2008.”

Thanks for your patience.

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Working Families near Top of Obama Priorities

December 24, 2008

Ok. I exaggerated. Incoming Presidents rarely have a priority that is not near the top. This incoming has not been friendly to Dads in the past and is not showing any understanding of the dissolution of the family by feminist groups publishing and exploiting bogus family data.

There have been a few hopeful articles over the past few days addressing the incoming vice-presidential responsibilities. You know, Joe Biden, the author of VAWA. He will head the “White House Task Force on Working Families.”

Hey, Joe. How about working families that have been torn apart by VAWA? Or Working fathers who can’t see their children anymore because of VAWA?

Who pays child support? The working father.

Over 80% of working fathers pay child support on time and in full. It’s garnished, just like what’s on your tree, only regulated and enforced by the feds.

Over 85% of mother’s get custody after divorce.

Joe; These two numbers are problematic.

How do I contact your office to ask the question: Whassup wit dat?

FYI

December 23, 2008

For all who are interested, the latest development in my case can be found on my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Click on “The Years” and “2008.”

Thanks, Mahalo.

Insult to Injury

December 21, 2008

Rob Perez has “Crossed the Line” in his weeklong series against men, boys, and soldiers in his anti-male series. One wonders whether he is an Roberta with deep emotional scars.

In Perez’s stories, women are always victims. Boys are always destined to become abusers. Girls are always destined to become victims.

Face Value: $0.00.

Can you place a negative value on anti-family stories?

Huh? Geez. Domestic violence is a story that encompasses men, women, and children of all ages of every variety. When a state demands that the law define a perpetrator and a victim, the state makes a decision that it will split every family engaged.

When the state needs dollars to close its tax gap, it will go after its most vulnerable constituents. Those people who have been stripped of their rights.  Those who cannot be served because they have no home. And they have no home because the State threatens itself as a collector.

This is the insult. The injury is making believe that the State will ensure that the child believes in his father’s love.

Does Santa have 666 printed on his forehead?

Rob Perez would have you think so. “

Survivors of domestic violence inspire hope in Hawaii victims

12/20/2008, HA.

The word “survivor” has a special meaning among abusive women. It means “those who got away with it.”

It should be non partisan, but it is representative of a defining moment between those who publicly abuse their husbands with false allegations and those who are protected from the specter of false allegations by a DV policy that refuses to acknowledge DV.

On the one hand DV is an out of context remark. ON the other hand, DV is a symptom of what needs to survive. The survival is required by ethnical, cultural, and moral norms. Perhaps Chicago will be its epicenter?

Hawaii’s Great Disservice

December 20, 2008

TO Honolulu Weekly

The Honolulu Advertiser has done a great disservice to Hawaii in their week-long series of Domestic Violence articles (Crossing the Line, Abuse in Hawaii Homes). When DV is in a home, it is almost never one perpetrator and one victim. Yet, that’s what Rob Perez, HA’s Investigative Journalist would have us believe.

No one is arguing that DV is not a problem. Many of us grew up in homes where corporal punishment was the sole method of discipline. Many of us grew up with siblings where the older beat up on the younger ones. Kids don’t have to be exposed to DV–or even TV–to know that hitting a sibling gets them attention, positive or negative, from their parents.

When people live in the same home, conflicts are sure to arise. Hundreds of social pressures, misfortunes, and disappointments press down upon all members of every family. Members of families may end up taking these pressures out on each other.

Studies that can be found on web sites like glennsacks.com and mediaradar.org, show that men and women are just as likely to start DV incidences. Men are one-third as likely to incur physical injury and less likely to report it. Children in single parent homes, over 85% women controlled, receive the most brutal forms of domestic violence.

Yet, Perez would have us believe that men are responsible for all DV in Hawaii. In five articles, from Sunday, December 14 through Friday, December 19, Perez portrays women as innocent victims. He paints every man mentioned as an abuser.

Children are not immune. Boys are future abusers and girls are future victims.

Our soldiers, the young boys we send to war, are not victims of war. They are perpetrators of abuse in their own homes.

Men are funneled into Hawaii’s closed Family Court. They have few constitutional rights. The children have none. Fathers are forced to leave their families, suffer a divorce they did not ask for, and pay years of exorbitant child support. They often lose their jobs. Their children are moved away. Many divorced fathers become homeless and lose their voice in our society.

The children grow up believing that a man’s love can be taken away by mommy and the courts. They hate their mothers for driving out the Dad who loved them. They hate their fathers for the awful things their mother has told them about their father. They go through life, from one relationship to another, never being able to love fully or completely.

The cycle of abuse is larger, more long-term, and more damaging than anyone in the Domestic Violence Industry will acknowledge.

The family, democracy, and the boys, men, and fathers of our good state are expendable for Perez and the DV Industry in Hawaii.

Hawaii deserves a better discussion of the Domestic Violence problem. These problems require solutions that work to preserve families.

p.s. The author of this article has just been served with a TRO for attending an open meeting in the Senate office, the Family Court Interventions Working Group.

The Gospel of Perez; Women are Victims, Men are Bad

December 19, 2008

No one is under any illusions about what our military men are going through. Thousands of our young men are returning from Iraq deployments every month. This is the war that didn’t have to happen. It is the war that, though it did happen, the politicians who chose the conflict were not the least bit prepared for the troubles they had been warned about.

Rob Perez, Honolulu Advertiser’s investigative reporter, is again under the illusion that women are the victims of this war. Life is hard for the brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and children of these returning soldiers. Too many times, these families will never have their military son, husband, and father back.

Perez is attacking our young men who put their lives on the line for our freedom.

Yet, Perez’s attacks upon the wounds of our soldiers are just a symptom of the corrupt and necrotic virus infecting the domestic violence and divorce industry in Hawaii.

Instead of focusing on the hundreds of thousands of soldiers who need help, Perez blames them.

The article published December 18, 2008, “Domestic violence in military might be bigger problem than Hawaii statistics suggest,” is the most biased piece of journalism that he has yet printed this week in his campaign against boys, men, and fathers.

Kaliegh Cuervo may or may not be a real victim of domestic violence. The point is that, once again, Perez starts off with a wounded woman, a domestic violence victim. The direct implication is that only men abuse women.

And, Cuervo refuses to acknowledge that she has done anything to contribute to the domestic violence in her own home. The lack of responsibility is a clear indication of the effects of domestic violence intervention specialists; spawn of the DV industry. These specialists work hard to convince their alleged victims that what happened was none of their fault.

Then, without guilt or remorse, these women tear apart their families. Yet, she will not be separated from him until the children are grown. She will be able to keep the children from him until well after they are grown. If she is convincing, the children will believe their father died in Iraq even though mom gets a steady child support payment. These women know no bounds to telling lies. The DV industry wins again in its own fatal way.

Our young military men need a lot more help. Help that, even when offered, the DV industry will sabotage. These women should not be in court demanding restraining orders from judges who have no leeway. They should be at a Veteran’s Hospital helping their husbands check in.

Perez glosses over the facts. He quotes Army, Marine, and National Guard statistics that show a drop in the number of substantiated domestic violence cases.

“Army spokesman Loran Doane said the decline in substantiated Army cases and the increase in personnel devoted to combating domestic violence and supporting families in Hawai’i indicate the programs are working,” Perez declares and negates in the following paragraph. “Some outside the military say the numbers fail to capture the true extent of the domestic abuse problem within the services”

The word “substantiated” is used to separate cases of domestic violence that are supported by evidence rather than wives who just “feel like” their husband’s have changed.

“He scares me.” Yeah, combat fatigue, PTSD, and mental illnesses from war will do that. These wives need to call for a medic.

These wives are hunted by DV Victim’s Advocates whose sole purpose is to funnel their wounded men into the secretive, State Family Court system. In the Hawaii Family Courts, these men lose all their constitutional rights to a fair trial. The men, the women, and the children lose their families. The man is forbidden to see his kids and he is required to pay child support for years or decades.

The sickness you are witnessing in Perez articles this week is not domestic violence or even the soldier with PTSD. The sickness is the domestic violence industry that has taken over these people’s lives.

The DV industry–through Perez–flaunts it and shows you the fear of its victims. Then they tell you the bad men are responsible. The boys will grow up to be bad men. The girls will grow up to be victims. Such is the gospel of Rob Perez, a shill and advocate for the corruption and demise of families and democracy.

Sorta reminds me of the Bush administration.

Visit my web site for more information on the issue. Fathers are people, too. http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

HA Reporter Continues to Pound Boys, Men, and Fathers

December 18, 2008

Honolulu Advertiser writer, Rob Perez, is continuing his badly investigated series on Domestic Violence in the State of Hawaii. In the December 17 issue, “Domestic violence being passed on to next generation in Hawaii,” Perez consistently uses women and studies from women’s groups and shelters to describe the effects of DV on families. His article is heavily biased against men, boys, and fathers.

“Mikki Buentello grew up in a home in which her mother endured regular beatings from her husband.” Then she goes through a series of abusive relationships. Does Perez ask her if she ever looked in the mirror? NO. Perez assumes she is a victim without blame. That she never hit, slapped, or physically hurt her many boyfriends. That she never emotionally abused other people. After all, this is what she learned while growing up.

Buntuello calls it a “cycle” but will not admit that she had any part in the DV in her life. “She is constantly drumming into her five young children that men are not supposed to hit women, that women are to be treated with respect.”

Nagging is a terribly abusive way to treat children.

She has answered the question where Perez has failed.

Yet, most people will miss the information, primarily because men are built to protect women and children. It is easy for a man to blame a man. It is hard for a man to talk about the truth in domestic violence. Women are to blame, too.

Perez quotes studies where children grow up in homes where fathers abuse mothers. He does not quote any studies that show where mothers abuse fathers and children even though the latter is more likely to happen.

Perez concludes that sons become abusers and daughters become victims.

This is a terrible lie to be teaching our kids.

Perez talks about a Department of Education survey that reported “10 percent of Hawai’i high school students and 6 percent of middle school students indicated they were hit, slapped or physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend over the previous year.”

And how many of those kids hit, slapped or physically hurt their siblings. Even in homes with cooperative, peaceful parents, kids do this stuff to each other. It is hard to teach kids how to be civil towards each other.

When Perez confuses sibling rivalry and uncivil, immature behavior in children with the dangerous and deadly abuse that occurs in extreme cases, you cannot develop a logical message about domestic violence.

Perez relies on anecdotal evidence when there is a lot of scientific data on the issue.

Perez relies on an example of a child who tried to kill herself at 13 as reason that domestic violence is bad. Things like this also happen when families are broken by the courts and children are denied access to their fathers. Often, the kids don’t have Dad there to protect them anymore and the emotional and physical violence under their mother increases.

Just check in at MediaRadar.Org. Anecdotal evidence leads to bad public policy on DV issues.

Successful programs like the Family Education Training Center of Hawaii have been around for years. The techniques are nearly a century old and they work. The dedicated people at FETCH (efetch.org) have helped hundreds of families reduce DV in their own families over the last five years.

Perez needs to grow up. His reporting is not investigative. It is abusive. Perez is hurting Hawaii. We deserve better than the trash he is feeding us.

For more information, log onto my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Children’s Misguided Goals

December 16, 2008

All parents struggle with children of every age. We’re perplexed one minute over new behavior. We figure it out in a day. Then, the child gets into something totally new the next day. Parents are perpetually learning about our children.

Freud did not understand children. Jung was far too cerebral to understand the mind of a child. But, over a hundred years ago, Alfred Adler first published an examination of children’s behavior in the light of interpersonal family relationships. The child wants to belong with significance.

Dr. Jim Deutch of the Family Education Training Center of Hawaii has been helping families understand children’s behavior in the Adlerian tradition for many years. Hundred’s of families have benefited from his expertise. The resources of the University of Hawaii have allowed him to help increase family harmony and decrease domestic violence.

Adler’s lessons are still valid today.

Dr. Jim has several points about understanding child behavior:

Ø All behavior serves a purpose.

Ø All behavior is goal directed.

Ø The major goal of a child is to belong to the family with significance.

Ø The best way to belong is by cooperation. (Cooperation—working together to meet the demands of the situation.)

Children are purposeful, goal directed human beings. They use every sensory perception in their exploration of their world and they learn by trial and error. When they are awake, they test. When they sleep, they process the information they have learned while awake.

Dr. Jim uses these principles to help parents understand:

Ø All movement is from a felt (-) to a felt (+).

o -Inferior to superior

o -Cannot to can

o -Unable to able

o -Incompetence to competence

Some parent’s know this information innately. It’s as if certain DNA gives us a perceptual understanding of the world that allows us to succeed as parents. It makes sense from a Darwinian survival of the fittest perspective.

However, social conditioning, divorce, and wars have left us with decades, if not centuries, of authoritarian parenting ideals. Control the child. Spare the rod, spoil the child. It does not have to be this way.

But, why is there misbehavior in the first place? Dr. Jim answers “Misguided goals are the way in which a child believes s/he needs to be in order to belong…with significance.”

Moreover, Dr. Jim has distilled the Adlerian learning to just four misguided goals. Note in the chart below, the misguided goal is listed alongside the child’s statement and what the parent feels. The strategy for a solution is also provided.

Try this. It works.

Misguided Goal

Child Says…

(Private logic)

Parents Feel

(gut response)

Solution strategy

(Natural or logical consequences)

1. (undue)

Attention

“I’m going to keep you busy with me”

Annoyed

Ignore

2. Power

“I’m going to be the boss and make you do what I want”

Angry

Keep out of the power struggle

3. Revenge

“I feel hurt and want to hurt back”

Hurt

Make friends

4. Inadequacy

“I give up”

Defeated

Massive encouragement

To find out more about the FETCH program and how you can be a better parent, visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Hawaii’s Rising Domestic Violence Statistics Speak Falsely of Rising Domestic Violence

December 15, 2008

While important statistics like reports and arrest for abuse by household members have been in a free fall for the last ten years, Domestic Violence advocates claim that “The system that was designed to protect us ultimately is failing us,” Dara Carlin makes such an unbelievable statement in the Honolulu Advertiser’s article, “System Failure,” December 14, 2008, by Rob Perez.

Ms. Carlin is at the center of an hysterical rash of allegations that run contrary to the evidence presented that the rate of domestic violence in Hawaii is decreasing. Mr. Perez accommodates the ridiculous with aplomb.

No rational person can dispute why the Honolulu Advertiser labeled its article, “System Failure.” The failure was built into the system. And it is Mr. Perez who has failed to report it.

* To counter a decline in reporting of DV instances, proponents of “victim’s advocacy” report domestic violence incidences are crimes–with clear perpetrators and victims–rather than domestic interpersonal relationships gone awry (Ralph and Alice anyone?).

* Promoting the ‘Duluth’ model of a perpetrator is a proven strategy for obtaining Federal, State, and Private grants that fund domestic violence shelters. Cash drives the unproven and self-aggrandizing reports of DV.

* Personal anecdotes and media hysteria drive up phone calls and bed occupancy rates. Once in a shelter, an army of disaffected women do everything they can to coerce the sheltered parent into making statements that can and will be used in court to destroy the family.

* Politicians have smelled the cash opportunity in breaking up families. Nearly 80 percent of men who have had their children taken away in the closed Family Court proceedings pay child support in full and on time. They pay for a slew of psychological and other services that feed the industry that tears apart families.

* Men are required either to fund the machine or face jail. America is now known as the top jailer of “deadbeat” parent debtors. Political campaigns are won or lost on an individual’s advocacy for the woman victim and against the male perpetrator.

* Who would know that jailing a person for debt violates principles of humanity established as long ago as the Magna Carta? Perhaps a lawyer or a politician? Sadly, many do know.

* Similarly, the Honolulu Advertiser has taken the political position that men are bad and women are victims. Damn the children. Let the state take over the family. Let fathers be jailed. Let democracy die.

Among the rising numbers since 1996, the inception of the Federal (VAWA) “Violence Against ‘Womens’ Act,” Family Court Protective Orders and Protective Order Arrests have gone up about 80%.

A brief analysis is required.

The availability of protective court orders is a testament to democracy. Citizens have a right to complain. That does not give a state the right to intervene.

When Federal law permitted State Family Courts to place non-violent parenting actions in a restraining order, it gave states the power to jail non-custodial parents over co-parenting issues.

It happened to me and I know I’m not the only one.

Anytime a custodial parent does not agree with a non-custodial parent–such as allowing visitation–the non-custodial parent is deemed at fault and guilty of a crime.

Protective order arrests have increased. At some level one wants to assume that these arrests occur because a person is breaking the law. The sad fact is that an inflexible parenting agreement always leads to one person violating the agreement; often benefiting the first complainant at the cost of the unsuspecting defendant. An arrest is made. But the question remains; If the defendant has committed no crime, what is the crime for which he has been arrested?

Woah!

Hot-line information calls: Over ten years these calls increased by 158% from a base of about 8,000 calls. After an eight year period in which the calls had remained steady, the calls increased from 8,000 in 2004 to over 20,000, in 2006.

An investigative reporter would have questioned any such sudden change. Anyone familiar with cellphones and the internet can tell that the jump occurred along with the implementation of technology that facilitates repeat calls and counts calls of both complaining and defending parents.

Changing a methodology in the middle of a study needs to be disclosed.

Hotline calls do not differentiate between men, women, or children who are reporting incidences of domestic violence. They do not include statistics of how many children of single parent homes are reporting against their parents. They do not address how many children are reporting against parents with whom they have simple visitation rights that are being violated (a clear indication of Parental Alienation). They don’t distinguish complaints of children against step-parents in blended family arrangements.

Mr. Perez has failed again in a very grand way. But this is not his greatest failure.

Shelter bed days have skyrocketed from 28,000 in 1996 to nearly 40,000 in 2005. None of these shelter bed days distinguishes between homeless and non-homeless individuals. No families are listed. No men. No men who are Veterans. No women who are prostitutes. No listings of mental illnesses. No numbers of children involved.

From Kapa’a to Hilo, what can a shelter-bed day mean when it is serving less than 90 percent of those who have no home?

One has to wonder why in the world has Mr. Perez included shelter-bed days in his analysis. The answer is pretty easy.

Mr. Perez has a political agenda. He–like Ms. Carlin–does not care about the families that are torn apart by the legal system. He feels that the state must intervene at every point in which a question is raised about a family’s ability to raise a child. Even to the point of manufacturing evidence against the accused families as a group.

Others might easily recognize echoes of Nazi, Germany; Stalinist, Russia; and Tianamen Square, China. So long as somebody profits politically and others lose, Mr. Perez has hedged his bets.

For parents and families, we have to remain vigilant that the foundation of logic, proposed by Mr. Perez, is small. Mothers and fathers and children are all part of a family. As families grow, we all seek to belong with significance. The dance of humanity requires that we all share responsibility, ho’o’pono’pono style.

Of ho’o’pono’pono I have more to say. I acknowledge my failings as a father, as a husband, and as a human. Yet, will not acknowledge the pain and suffering she has caused. She hides behind the DV laws, the closed Family Courts, and the fantasy of a false DV victim.

Time will let die that which it cannot heal.

My only wish, this Christmas, is to know what my children want for the holiday from their Dad and to have that wish respected by the intrusive alienating State of Hawaii Family Court.

Biased Domestic Violence Advocates Take Over the Honolulu Advertiser

December 15, 2008

The Honolulu Advertiser has begun a series of political articles in which they claim, substantially, that men are abusers; women are victims. The reporting series begins with an article by Rob Perez on Sunday, December 14, 2008, “System Failure.”

Perez cannot come to grips with statistics that underlay the simple truth. Domestic Violence has decreased in Hawaii. Those who say otherwise are pushing politics ahead of families. Perez is pushing politics.

A graph clearly illustrates a ten-year decline. In 1996, over 10,000 reports of abuse of family or household members were made to police. In 2005, less than 4,000 reports were made.

So, what does Perez make of this? He quotes Dara Carlin, a self-described victim and advocate of victims; “The system that was designed to protect us ultimately is failing us.”

Perez fails to mention that Ms. Carlin is–herself–a child abductor, has consistently made false allegations to the Hawaii Courts, and has refused to allow the children visitation with their father for over 2.5 years.

The statistics also show a ten-year decline in the number of arrests for abuse of a family or household member. The article describes a statistically meaningful 31 percent decrease from over 5,000 to under 4,000 arrests.

And; Perez? Predictably, says “everyone in the domestic violence community says Hawai’i’s problem is not getting any better and some believe it’s getting worse.” Anecdotal evidence from victims is used to substantiate opinions that defy evidence to the contrary. It is hard to believe that the newspaper allows Perez to retain the title of “investigative reporter.”

Further, the statistics show a ten-year decline in DV misdemeanor cases referred to prosecutors. While the numbers are from, in 1996, just above 4,000 to about 2,650 in 2005, the rate of decline is 34 percent. What could statistics like this reveal?

According to Perez “With fewer convictions, fewer offenders are ordered to attend intervention classes.”

OK. REALITY CHECK!

Nearly every family that goes through Hawaii’s secretive Family Court system gets referred to the Parent’s and Children’s Together (PACT) program. Many of these parents get referred to the abusive PACT Domestic Violence classes that demonstrate a 90% rate of “recidivism.”

One has to wonder at the differences between the truth of the statement Perez has insisted upon and the reality.

Can Perez be believed?

No.

The entire series is propaganda and it is endorsed by the eyeless editors of the Honolulu Advertiser.

Men are learning how to treat women better with each generation. It is never perfect with interpersonal relationships that are so complex. I make no excuses. There is shame to be had and shared.

The real lesson from this onslaught of DV articles is that the people of Hawaii should be scared. Perez and these other “advocates” do not care about the victims of domestic violence. They want to insert the state into the most fundamental democratic unit: your family.

To find our more about this, visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.