Archive for April, 2009

“Deadbeat Dads” who aren’t

April 30, 2009

Join Glenn Sacks as he fights against the stereotypes promoted by the for profit, vocal, and anti-family minority.

Lifetime TV wants to promote a failed FOX initiative. The show purports to follow a self-employed child support collection agency tracking down fathers who do not pay child support.

At its best, the show demonstrates that the collection agency supports impoverished mothers at the expense of impoverished fathers. If they get the father jailed, they’ve increased the chance that the father will be unable to make child support payments in the future. They have increased the chance that the children will never know their own father.

At it’s worst, the show portrays wealthy custodial mothers who have the money, time, and lawyers to prosecute fathers who work their tails off to make a living.

In every show, the children lose.

To join the fight against Lifetime’s misguided attempt at making money off our families, visit Glenn Sacks blog at http://www.glennsacks.com/blog/.

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Domestic Violence Forgiveness

April 28, 2009

At what point does a person, who has been a victim of domestic violence, forgive their perpetrator and either reconcile for the sake of their children or move on with their lives?

Most domestic violence victims will tell you that their perpetrators have a tendency to repeat old behaviors. So, no matter what they have done in the past, they will not see the harm they have caused or are causing to the targeted victims. They will continue to perpetrate the same domestic violence behaviors long after the relationship is ended.

As a falsely accused perpetrator, I have always been amazed at the power of denial of the real perpetrator. Sometimes I meet people and I begin to tell my story. In the course of the conversation, some have told me of encounters with my ex. The hurt by off hand comments and the hurt of real life actions made are all too immediate.

Yes… That happened to me. I can tell you how she is. I can tell you what she will do next.

I am not close to my ex by any means. I prefer it that way. But, on occasion, like a hurricane in an ocean, I hear about the hurt and the pain being caused by the mother of my children. A front page news article, an internet story; these are further confirmation that many perpetrators, like my ex, cannot forgive but must keep hurting others.

It’s not as though I hear about my children. Far from it and close to the tears of my soul. My ex speaks of domestic violence as if she is the victim. At public venues around the country, my ex is engaging in the greatest performance of a perpetrator as victim that I have ever known of.

My children have no voice. They are told they cannot contact me. They do not dare cross the person telling them.

A woman who can pretend she is a victim will get almost anything she wants.

A woman who pretends she is a victim and an advocate for victims can command power and control and vast sums of money that can influence state politics in ways that can and have destroyed families far beyond her own.

In my knowledge and experience, an angry woman’s children have been denied their father. Will my children be angry, too? I wonder.

How many more families have been separated because of her anti-family activism? We may never know, I’m sure it is a lot, and if you go into Family Court today in Hawaii, you will be met by at least one person who has been influenced by the inane logic that fathers should be separated from their children at all costs.

The wake of destruction of such a person is a telltale sign that her own children are at high risk of being permanently disaffected, and perhaps, permanently alienated from their own father.

To any reasonable person this would sound like a tragedy and to a child victim, a hard burden to bear. To my ex and those like her, these are the words she wants to hear. Yet she does not see or hear the tragedy.

And these are the hardest words she does not want to hear:

If she were to wake up tomorrow and stop, I would find it in my heart to forgive. Just help our children heal from the wounds that have torn them apart from their father.

Will I move on with my life? Yes. When I know that my kids have the freedom to forgive their mother.

To find out more about women who will not forgive, visit my web site at http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/.

Busy Week …Waiting to Forgive

April 24, 2009
Rainey Day

Rainey Day

Someone I know took a picture of sunrise on April 17, 2009. If anyone missed it, here in Hawaii, it was the color of life that makes you wonder how special we are to be here on this planet.

Men reserve the word beauty for women. This sunrise was far beyond that. Wondrous glory.

I trust myself as a father, parent, ex-spouse, boyfriend, etc. Life is beyond words. I hope you feel the same way sometimes, too. 🙂

I have received and I shall pass on the blessing of forgiveness. It heals so much.

Don’t be shy. Leave a comment.

Parent’s Sorrows – Email Blocking, Another Tool of the Abuser

April 17, 2009

For this parent, the message “I will be blocking your email address after I have sent this message” is bitter-sweet. Dueling parents often never want to talk to their prior significant-other again in their life (the sweet), but, each is the other parent (the bitter).

Even in the most acrimonious child-custody situations, parents need to contact each other regularly. Weekly messages to let the other know of events at which a non-custodial parent may be reunited with his kids are not, in my opinion, excess contact or harassment.

Terminating visitation of siblings at different times does not make the case that the non-custodial parent is “pitting them against each other” or “showing blatant favoritism.” When the termination is based upon false allegations, the non-custodial parent is not at fault.

However, such family destroying thoughts usually originate in the mind of the abuser. Statements, written or verbal, can be twisted in such a way that an uninterested party hearing the complaints might believe the complainer has been abused. Often the complainer relies on the omission of facts to create the appearance of abuse against them. And that is the strategy. It is the strategy of an abuser.

“Since being away from you I’m not questioning reality anymore.”

Reality–oh that! Yes, I find it frustrating to often have to apply “common sense” to figure out reality sometimes.

Aren’t we all glad that our exes are happy that they are not confined to logic or reason? It makes reality so much simpler; so, black and white.

“[T]here are plenty of third parties who verify that what I see is real.” The company one keeps can shed light on “reality” as they see it; Astrid Heger, Richard Ducote and Barry Goldstein are good for anyone’s ego if they believe that fathers are bad for children.

“You have proven yourself to be a threat to the kids,” said my ex. What she referred to was the limited “preponderance of evidence” standard that the Family Court accepts. What is unusual is that Hawaii Family Courts routinely interpret a preponderance of (false) allegations as evidence. (See case FC-UCCJEA No. 03-1-0011 and ICA No. 28563 in the State of Hawaii, First Circuit.)

The standard of proof to which an abuser alludes is often far short of actual fact. That is why this author’s case is on appeal.

The possibility of fulfilling a court order that requires a father, a) subjected to a decade of false allegations, b) to retain a psychologist, c) who must confer with two other child psychologists, d) against Federal HIPPA client confidentiality standards, then e) obtain a consensus–that must be submitted to the court–that the father is worthy to be a parent to his children, are slim. Actually, the chance is non-existent. And the abuser knows this.

So, this Father remains without visitation with his children. The children’s mother has expunged herself of responsibility. And, she has blocked email communication.

It is at moments like this that I think what a close call it was that my ex was not the infamous name associated with the acts of Andrea Yates. I knew her for nearly ten years during our marriage. She has terminated the love of a father for his children.

I shudder to think what horrors my children dream in their sleep.

In Sum

Marie Moore, a daughter’s playmate, women’s public flogging, underclass fathers, commercially targeted boys, child-support abuse, and email blocking all have one thing in common. It is a distrust and disrespect for a fellow human being.

In each case, the lack of trust and disrespect for another human being has led to tragic consequences.

Common sense would put the brakes on societal madness. But the perpetrators have a common thread; they are unable to see outside themselves. They cause pain because they distrust and disrespect other human beings.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – Child Support Bottom Falling

April 17, 2009

At Boston.com, the layoffs of men are showing in an increasing number of child support cases. “Amid layoffs, child support pacts fraying,” beams the article by Joseph P. Kahn on April 13, 2009.

In general, States do not keep statistics or do not publish the statistics that they do keep. Family law is supposed to be a private affair, but what we have is a clandestine court operating in secret across the country.

Kahn notes that “judges and lawyers within the system say such filings have increased noticeably in recent months as the ranks of the unemployed and underemployed have swollen.”

“Layoffs, cutbacks, and battered investment portfolios have affected custodial and noncustodial parents on all ends of the socioeconomic spectrum, along with tens of thousands of Massachusetts children.” And it is not just in Massachusetts.

The national group, “American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers,” (what a ridiculous name for divorce lawyers) says that there is a 39% increase in divorced spouses seeking changes to child support arrangements. That includes women looking for more money out of their children’s fathers who have just lost their jobs.

Kahn is quick to point out “Many don’t understand that if they lose their jobs, they need to come back right away and get [the divorce agreement] modified.” But Kahn also fails to state that child-support changes are not granted easily.

At least Fathers and Families is fighting back. The group, led by Ned Holstein and Glenn Sacks, is stating that child support payments unfairly burden non-custodial parents. Sometimes Fathers end up paying double or triple the amounts previously mandated under the new punitive rules; which only causes further stress and splinters family ties.

Fathers are being put in jail for arrearages that are due to the faltering economy and personal lives where finances are out of control. Debtors Prison; It exists.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – The Kid Whisperer

April 17, 2009

Kathy Pena has earned this title from some Hollywood producers who claim that she can uncover what boys think and reassert Walt Disney as a cultural force among boys.

I grew up with the Disney hour on Sunday evenings. It brings tearful memories to mind when I think of all the heartwarming episodes that taught me lessons and values of treating other people right, of respecting people, the country, the constitution. So, what qualifies Ms. Pena? A kid wearing a Black Sabbath t-shirt?

“Actors have been instructed to tote their skateboards around with the bottoms facing outward. (Boys in real life carry them that way to display the personalization, Ms. Peña found.)” Disney is proud of its “headquarters for boys.”

She explains “the emotional hooks that are carefully embedded in children’s entertainment.” And the article promptly continues that “boys 6 to 14 account for $50 billion in spending worldwide, according to market researchers.”

Ok. So Disney may not get it yet. Boys and men are the new underclass. We will have hardship our entire lives because laws harshly punish men and let women off for the same crimes. Most boys will become men who will experience divorce and family breakup. They will lose contact with their children.

Walt Disney was a family man. Since he passed, the company has forgotten that.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – Boy’s bodies and minds

April 17, 2009

Perri Klass, M.D. writes in the NY Times on April 14, 2009, “Another Awkward Sex Talk: Respect and Violence.” She boldly states that “hospital elevators tend to be packed, and the best thing to do if you’re near the door is get out.”

Is it proper to teach young men elevator etiquette to adolescent boys? “Stand back and let the ladies off first.” Dr. Klass says that in an age of hypersexualized images and an increased awareness of dating violence “you may get an official worldview in which boys are viewed as potential criminals and girls as potential victims.”

Ms. Klass is well intentioned, but she has just grazed the surface of how fathers are treated in their own families, both before and after divorce. Klass understates “boys need to understand that there are people–male and female–who will see them as potential predators, and judge them automatically at fault in any ambiguous situation.” It is the new role of boys and men; the underclass.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – Public flogging

April 17, 2009

Randy Cohen of the NY Times takes on the “Limits of Tolerance” in his April 14, 2009 NY Times article describing online images of a public flogging. The victim was a 17 year-old girl. The crime? A violation of Sharia law; going outdoors with a man who was not her father.

Cohen discusses the different cultural issues which prevent us from fully understanding the issue. Is a) gender equality–a western norm–or b) tolerance for other’s cultures and / or religions paramount.

He eloquently answers this conundrum by stating “Tolerance ends where harm begins.” From my perspective, custodial parents have to understand what harms their children. False allegations do extreme, long-term harm that is not readily apparent to both sides.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – Mom kills daughter’s playmate?

April 17, 2009

Joining them, on April 14, 2009, the AP reported that a woman had been arrested in the death of her daughter’s 8-year-old playmate. It seems they found the little girl’s body inside a suitcase at the bottom of an irrigation pond during draining.

Melissa Huckaby, 28, was charged with the murder of Sandra Cantu. They also charged her with “rape with a foreign object… in the course of a kidnapping.” Ms. Huckaby was a Sunday School Teacher at her Baptist Church.

Unlike the other women, the reports on the internet gave me no indication that this woman hasn’t been wrongly accused. Maybe she had an accomplice? For me the most problematic words of the story are “murdering and raping her daughter’s playmate.”

Huckaby was “a loving mother with a strong religious background.” The connection between Huckaby and the above women are the terms “loving mother” and “strong religious background.” It seems this can be dangerous mix. I hope they have the right person in custody.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/

Parent’s Sorrows – Shooting Range Murder

April 17, 2009

To the horror of bystanders shown on film, Marie Moore shot herself to death just out of sight of the video cam that had recorded her murdering her son posted all over the internet this week. “I had to send my son to heaven and myself to hell,” killer mom Marie Moore said in suicide notes and in rambling audio recordings.”

In a deranged state of mind, Marie Moore portrayed the calm and calculated demeanor of a hit-man for hire. Moore’s problems appeared to be religious in nature. “I had to save my son,” she wrote. “God made me a queen and I failed. I’m a fallen angel. He turned me into the anti-Christ.”

Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, Dena Schlosser; these women also fell on their faith into murderous disgrace. But they have lived to lament their actions and perhaps question their faith. Moore took the easy way out.

Follow the Parent’s Sorrows short stories please:

http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/